I still remember most of the lyrics to "My Wife Dumped Me For A Guy Named Jesus".

That dress is some Forever 21 clearance rack realness.

It looks painful.

Bingo Bronson would like a word with you.

I'm stealing the shit out of this.

I assume these birds have babies nearby. A few years ago a mama robin set her babies up in our store awning and she went after everyone. As soon as you got out of your car she was after you. It was hilarious to watch and scary as hell when it was happening to you.

PS - I think you have me confused with someone else. Don't let that stop you though, this is fun.

I refuse believe your pants are dry after that adorable little tantrum.

I made your favorite. Spaghetti, lots of oregano.

I don't know about all that, but a bunch of creepy uncles are writing gross comments about a teenager's weight.

Does she wish for a lifetime supply of cherry-flavored Pez?

Is this your first Genji comment?

"People get offended or hurt by EVERYTHING these days"

I overheard a coworker complain that his son got in trouble at school for using the word gay. "I just don't understand where he even hears it from!" Dude, you called three people gay just this morning. People do not pay attention to the words they use.

I can't imagine my life being so sad and empty that I care whether or not people are Kardashian fans. You poor kid.

I really hate when commercials use celebrity voice-overs and they have them say, "we're doing blahblah this and we're doing blahblah that." NO, Gene Hackman, I highly doubt you're committed to helping me buy a lawn mower. Same with Rashida Jones. If she's ever flown commercial in her life I'll eat a giant foam…

Same on CBS when I watch Y&R. It's all pharmaceuticals, Ensure and insurance.

I know it's hard not to hate women when they want nothing to do with you, but you could at least try not to be so gross all the time.

I'd gladly spend the night in a broom closet with Peter O'Toole.

I like to think you're bending it like a garden hose to increase the pressure.