the most controversial plate of cold cuts... in the world.

I routinely consume significant amounts of Taco Bell due to their extreme levels of preservatives. I presume that these preservatives will allow me to live until I'm about 1,000 or so.

Who the fuck gives a shit?

My favorite gym pick-up line is when they ask to spot you...in the sauna.

Actually people should stop being stupid.

As you'll be aware, and in point of fact, it is well known that "actually" is very good word to alert people to information they technically ought already to have known.

The thing is, adding "literally" in most contexts does not add much to the sentence. Yes, you already said you feel as if your head is about to explode. I don't need to you to re-emphasize what you just said. In fact, I'd rather you not, because "literally" in particular is specifically used to tell people that what…

Me, myself, personally

Irregardless. It's a double negative. The word you're looking for is regardless.

"I could care less." Therefore you care. It's "I COULD NOT care less". Because if you could care less, that means you do care. If you cannot care less, you care so little that you could not care any less.

"Comprised of" It's improper…

"Literally" isn't a word that you should eliminate from your writing.

Buffalo buffalo Buffalo buffalo buffalo buffalo Buffalo buffalo!

This is going to wreck havoc once somebody finally claims ownership of the "Four Chords of Pop".

How to be funnier? Well, if people aren't laughing at your joke, it's probably because they don't get it. So: explain your joke in detail. Nothing is funnier than detailed analysis of humor, trust me!

Okay, I've been dying to share this story, but as it's not food/dining related, I can't submit it to the column. But I figure some people around here will get a kick out of it anyway.

Drugs are a helluva drug.

Shadow of the Colossus? It hits pretty much all the targets.

I can't be the only one who hears the lyrics as "amazing cunt", right?

Maybe go with Magic Marker instead?

I'm also going to look on lifehacker for "I severely mutilated myself with a v8 weedwhacker, what do I do now?" post.