All I got from this is that you're calling the Jez readers monsters. I DEMAND A RETRACTION. I DEMAND AN APOLOGY. I DEMAND A VACATION TO BELIZE.

I HAVE DEMANDS.

...That cat is not playing fetch. That cat is playing "why the fuck did you throw my treat all the way across the room you idiot, I was standing right there."

Those are both pros in my book. See also: Mariah Carey wearing an evening gown on the subway.

Different cat; OB is white

I was about to point out that this is the second Major Payne gif. I've seen today. Then I checked and saw that they are both you, so... I guess you knew that.

It was actually 1.989 roses. He kept a few of the petals so he could sleep with them under his pillow

I misread that headline as "Here's Long John Silver's Butt In The Shower."

Stop wasting water. Also, your having servants shows (see A- shape of hand towels). I'm in a terrible mood. ETA: I see now that the picture taker may be sitting in the tub, which would make the water flow legitimate. Mkay. Stop taking your phone into the tub. And show more ass if you're at it. I'm grumpy.

Does "I was abused as a child" feel like "I can't be racist, I have a black friend" to anyone else here?

He missed that day of pre-school, and never made up the work.

like, one can say something wasn't their intention

LIAM A HARD PASS?! how very dare you.

Why exactly did he emphasize so much that Dickinson is a reality TV star and that she is a "self-proclaimed world's first supermodel"? Couldn't he just have said "a well known model" or something more neutral? It sounds like he / whoever wrote the text did their best to frame her as an untrustworthy lightweight. Not…

I AM SO EXCITED this is the best journalism to ever be journalized

Ed is the worst. Sadly, I know a few people like him (who go on like that about things other than crab), and they are all the worst. "I enjoyed these crab cakes and they had a very appealing presentation, but I'm still going to be a huge asshole about them because I clearly know more about crab than you, a mere food…

Just shut up and eat your delicious crab cakes already, Ed. Professional pickers and restaurant-quality blue crabs will mean bigger pieces of crab, yes. Come on, it's a Ruby Tuesday, just be glad they're so good. Clearly he has taken to Yelp because no one else is willing to sit through his lectures on crab anymore.…

Why didn't you just tell him no?
Why didn't you kick and scream?
Why didn't you have someone walk you home?
Why didn't you summon the powers of fucking GreySkull?

IT HAPPENED. THE ONLY ACCEPTABLE QUESTION IS: WHAT CAN WE DO NOW.

Why didn't you just bite off your foot when you stuck it in your mouth?

Shamu should bite off Don Lemon's penis.