Why does that BMW have donk wheels?..

Not available in the USA commercially or outside of the 25 year rule.

For ONCE I'm able to look at a sedan-version of a compact car and think, "Hey, that actually doesn't look too shabby..."

WHY have we been plagued with SO MANY stupid, useless sedan-versions of compacts and sub-compacts for years?!?

"We all live somewhere that's fucked up to some degree"

"where you live is probably just as fucked up somehow."

None. They want you to go buy a new one.