No, fuck you.

Came home one day to find my wife casually trimming her pubic hair.

Oh neat. I was actually just thinking about this. I can’t wait to click on this article and read some good inf-

Kickstart that shit, yo.

“Now, the chain has announced it’s introducing...delivery.”

“Once a week, I’d enter that GameStop to ask whichever bored employee was manning the place when they’d get Super Smash Bros. Brawl for the Wii, and whether they’d give it to me early.”

We get it - you’re unnerved by furries and uncomfortable with whatever fucked-up kink you have.  Please take your projection to your local movie theater.

Speaking of stinky bathrooms, Tomato, you still haven’t drunk my diarrhea. When are you going to drink my diarrhea?

“Here’s a better idea: Vote for Andrew Yang in 2020...

Done and done.  Thanks, Credit Karma!

I dunno. I mean, I wouldn’t call him magical or anything but it’s definitely a bit more than basic human memory.

Yeah, if literally ONE absence causes the whole ship to fall apart, then something is very very fucking wrong with that ship.

He was one of my best friends for years. And I’ve only ever had one sexual partner, she’s very satisfied, and we’ve been married for 13 years.

Nope. Here’s a brief list of all the supplements you’d need to take based on the nutrients you’re not getting as a stupid vegan.

Pretty much same here.  We made it 1000% clear that “bedtime is bedtime” and he better have an amazing fucking reason to leave his room.  (“Almost shit his pants” was a very good reason, that one time.)  Like yours, he likes to read (“read”) with a flashlight and sometimes we hear bumps and thuds from his room, but as…

Oddly enough, no. He was actually pretty straight-edge. I think he smoked pot a couple times but didn’t really drink. Didn’t even smoke cigarettes. As far as I know, his parents were super-hardcore-drill-instructor strict and he was just a cool YOLO rebel. They butted heads constantly and eventually I guess they had a…

Seriously, holy FUCK.  Might as well just grab the big blue Morton’s salt container and chug it.

You can join me in waiting for the $4K I lent my “good friend” in high school over the course of 10 months while he lived on the couch at my (parents’) house after HIS parents threw him out. After high school he went completely off the radar and I’ve never seen him again. Convenient.

THIS THIS THIS!!!

If you’re fucking stupid enough to still have a Facebook account in 2019, you deserve everything bad that happens to you.  You’re literally signing up with Big Brother and then bitching about your privacy.  Fuck off.