When you’re done there, go ask the cute salesperson at Lowes if they have any caulk softener.

Dear Salty,

Came here for Padded Thighs, will settle for this.

It’s obviously battered fish.

Dear salty, every time I go out to eat, the servers at my local place asked me what I want to drink. So my question for you is, how do I order a diet coke? Is there a special process? I’ve seen other customers say something to the server, and receive one, but I can’t hear what they are saying. My usual tactic is to…

Obligatory

I don’t understand the question, and I won’t respond to it.

“What grown-up wants to go out for a nice meal and be forced to say, “I’ll have the Kale-ing Me Softly salad, please”?”

That only makes things annoying / difficult for the employees though. If you’re a regular at a particular location (which it sounds like you may be), it’s probably not a big deal because they may know what you usually order - but if a customer they aren’t familiar with orders a size they don’t have on the menu, the…

what is that?  They bring out the tuna filet and slap you across the face with it?

What grown-up wants to go out for a nice meal and be forced to say, “I’ll have the Kale-ing Me Softly salad, please”?

Where would Bob’s Burgers be today if Bob Belcher just called it the “Chive and Fried Pickle Burger” instead of the “Baby You Can Chive My Car Burger”?

I don’t want to live in that world.

I’d sing it out like Roberta Flack, including some improv:

Could be a Bob’s Burger of the Day.

As advised, pointing to the menu item works just fine.  Also great for when you don’t want to butcher the pronunciation of something.  (Looking at you, Deutschland)

just point and say I want this please.

“I’ll have the Kale-ing Me Softly salad, please”

Jesus Christ - how are these people even able to figure out how to use the internet?

I’m not sure if it’s on purpose or not, but I enjoy that of the three questions for Ivanka quoted here, the first one isn’t even a question. It’s an invitation to brag.

Dear politicians,