Cats would never do this to anyone— they just don't have the attention span. This is why I will marry my cat and live happily ever after.

Let me be the first to say that that name is incredibly dumb sounding. Awakens? Has it been asleep? Are they seriously not learning their lessons about overusing Jedi from the prequels???

He's still not as bad as Attila, though. Because fuck Attila.

I've never seen white dwarf used as a verb before, and now I'm glad I have.

(George Bush named to Independent Investigation Committee)

So let me get this straight: law enforcement doesn't dare fight Clive Bundy and his thugs, but unarmed protesters and journalists get the full armed brigade treatment.

"There are reasons why white gun's rights activists can walk into a Chipotle restaurant with assault rifles and be seen as gauche nuisances while unarmed black men are killed for reaching for their wallets or cell phones, or carrying children's toys."

honestly, this is fucking Jezebel, not 4chan. Is it not kind of anti-feminist to be attacking and genuinely making fun of this girl because of the way she looks and speaks? She may not be the brightest bulb, but she's coming from a good place. You should all be ashamed of yourselves. For people who would leap to…

That's known as "The GOB Effect".

I can't take Will Arnett seriously. Even when discussing such a sober and solemn subject, I expect doves to fly out of his sleeves.

To steal what someone else said on another message board: Technically, suicide is a selfish act. However, people who are clinically depressed to the point where they're seriously considering suicide aren't capable of thinking rationally about such things.

Do you know what happens when a car accident happens on a racetrack? The yellow flag goes up and the other racers slow down so that they can avoid possible racers escaping what is likely to be a dangerous race car. Those tend to explode into flames when they crash. The other drivers were obviously following the…

The other driver avoided him.

You're ridiculous. All the "data" you're basing your "conclusive analysis" on is on that spreadsheet (which I still can't believe some people here are defending his having sent to her work email - privacy issues, anyone? - before she was about to go on a ten-day business trip).

Oh, I see. It is bullshit now to want sex on everyone's terms and not just one person's? I would love to know about their sex drive before marriage- did they have sex? Were they both agreeable to this sex? Was it mutually satisfying? Because frankly it sounds like this two hump chump is failing to meet a minimum…

Saying "I have a boner" is not the same thing as saying "I think your beautiful".

"Honey, how do you expect me to get in the mood if you don't even have colored drop-down selections for column B?"

Personally I'd rather see a Captain Marvel movie myself, with Katie Sackoff as Captain Marvel.

Captain Marvel movie. Captain Marvel movie. CAPTAIN MARVEL MOVIE, DAMMIT.

See, THIS RIGHT HERE. The entire point of Huckleberry Finn is to discuss and display the utter obscenity that was slavery through the medium of a product of that culture, Huck Finn. It's both literature and rallying cry, an astonishing accomplishment.