Second of all, if we’re being honest, most bagels in New York also suck. Maybe they suck less, but unless we’re talking about the Bagel Hole in Park Slope, they still suck.

Dude, I’m with you. And the pizza situation is a mess too. Decent tacos help, though...

At least it’s not yellow.

I just use hosts.

Britain: “Who taught you how to do this stuff?”
US: “You, alright!!! I learned it by watching YOU!”

I’m sure that has everything to do with the fact that the Nazis were soundly defeated and stayed that way for, well, ever. On the other hand, the Confederacy was defeated, then little more than a decade later, they basically came back - and were allowed to peddle a bunch of bullshit about what actually caused the…

I KNEW I’d be left behind!

I would fire her. Not telling you what to do, but the first thing I need in a nanny is good judgment and that is proof of the opposite.

Goddamit I love this song so much. It’s the cornerstone of the dance playlist my 7 and 5 year old daughters and I have compiled, because we have an expansive definition of “danceable.”

Oy vey, that brought me back to 2003 in San Francisco. What an odd and silly time it was.

So did I. In my defense, I lived in California, so it didn’t sway anything and I voted for Barbara Lee in the same election, so...

Robbed, yes. Burgled, no.

There approximately a 100% chance the “cheese” is Kraft singles.

...and then proceed to inseminate the melon.

I can only assume the problem (or one of them anyway) is bubble farts.

I agree that simpler is better. “Simpler,” however, does not require the aid of sportswear.

Squash? Surely you mean cantaloupe.

So they didn’t have any product shots featuring someone who hadn’t just waffle-stomped an award-winning turd log down the shower drain?

So they didn’t have any product shots featuring someone who hadn’t just waffle-stomped an award-winning turd log…

That rubbish humper is having a better time than I’ve ever had in my life.

Dude, those motherfuckers fantasize about the violent death of Jesus all the time! Have you seen their jewelry?