You should see my husband. He's hot.

I tasted condom on his dick.

Mine would get so bad that they'd puff up and impair my vision but because it was under eye, insurance still wouldn't pay.

According to Oregon.gov, doulas are defined as offering "personal, non medical support" whereas a midwife "supervises the conduct and labor of childbirth"

I had an under eye blepharoplasty 2 years ago to suck out my eye fat and it was the best $$ I ever spent on myself. Ever. Zero hyperbole. THE BEST.

Next GOOP: Tan Mom's Steamed Pussy

I really hope they make a baby soon! They'll be the BEST PARENTS EVER!

That's what I'm saying! Her recipes are soooo goood and I really want them not to be so I can hate on her for real

I wish her recipes weren't perfect every single time because I really want to hate her completely and for ever and ever amen

"HIS VERY LIFE! HIS VERY WELLBEING!" The false empathy is pretty fucking impressive

Have you read the Gavin debunker books? "The Gift of Fear" and "Protecting the Gift"? Truly must reads for women and girls.

*Frantically waving her hand from the back of the classroom*

LASTS ALL DAMN DAY BUY THIS SHIT NOW

LASTS ALL DAMN DAY BUY THIS SHIT NOW

aw. I'll come see your band!

There is no performance if there is no audience

(or wipe herself?)

My stepfather's name was Lauren. I think I want to have a drink with all the saucy mid-western ladies from the 40's who named their baby boys like baby girls. I feel like their humor would go well with the meat-loaf I just popped in the oven

Do you need a date while you wear that fur? (a 45 year old married white lady with 3 kids?) because I'll shave my legs RIGHT NOW and meet you at the Opera

We got our 14 year old bad-ass feminist daughter her first copy of "God is Not Great" a few weeks ago.

I feel like the most important thing to do is to make the bride to be FEEL LIKE THE QUEEN OF THE WORLD. Bachelor parties are all about traditional, manly, misogynistic, mayhem (yes, yes, I am generalizing). The likes of which elevate Mr. Groom to ULTIMATE MAN status. You gotta evoke the same vibe for your Almost Mrs.…