You actually owe money now. It is for damages for all of us who have heard his music.

All you have to do is write in to dearjane@jezebel.com with your questions and I’ll take it from there. Please change names and identifying info; this advice column unfortunately is not aimed at destroying lives. And if you sign your letter with a funny ID, we may or may not use it depending on how funny it is.

Son to Dad CPR.

Right there with you. I’m convinced these Mitchell & Webb sketches are behind-the-scenes documentaries on the Goop Femininflammation Retreats:

Be... sure.... to... drink... your... Ovaltine!

“Hi folks instead of jumping the broom tonight I’ll be jumping this redheaded chimney sweep , Chim chim cher-oo motherfuckers!”

first impression: awesome! what’s the catch?

then his apprentice will say “tell me about dunk and egg” and sam’ll give the camera a look.

As someone who spends more time in the character creator than the game, I totally empathise here. I absolutely HATE when that creation doesn’t turn out the same in the in-game engine. Especially when I have to play through some 20 minute intro before I can even see them (side eyes Destiny).

Tempera paint..... not tempura. Unless you want to eat that fetus with a dipping sauce.

I really like “I Don’t Want to Live Forever,” but for some reason I can’t understand one of Taylor’s lines and it sounds to me like “Now I’m in a cat box” and I can’t unhear it.

So does Liam Payne turn back to a human prince at the end or does the final rose petal fall and he has to stay a boyband boy forever

I am actually a volcanologist (I study active lava flows on Earth) and a planetary geologist (I also study lava flows on Mars and Venus). Astronomers study how planets and stars move and interact with one another, and how they form and evolve. Planetary scientists study the processes that occur on planets (such as how…

what in the hell are you talking about?? Wash your crock pot!!

That does it! My slow cooker can now collect dust in a garbage dump rather than my counter! What if I continue to never use it and it just spontaneously combusts?!

Are you kidding me with this nonsense? America, we need to be smarter than this. Spit that Tide Pod you’ve got in your mouth out and go get your Crock Pot out of the trash.

Many American public libraries put sturdy bookbindings on magazines and put them in what we call ‘bound periodical collections.’ They can’t always be found in the online catalog so you might have to ask the librarian about them. San Francisco Public Library has everything from Ebony Jr! to On Our Backs. They aren’t…

Nicole Kidman was kinda busy that day so she sent in her friend Naomi Watts to do the Vanity Fair cover shoot and you’re telling me NO ONE noticed?