Adrian Peterson treats the English language like it's his 4-year-old's bum and scrotum. Where is the outrage?

Hello. Heimlich. Why lecherize the innocent, the life-saving?

Perfectly written. So skilled.

Hey diddle diddle,

It is SHAMEFUL to trot out an addled old man, disabled with Mad Bear Disease, for amusement.

Why get ahead of ourselves? NFL Fan Abuse like this is reserved for Detroit Lions-types. Getting closer but not there yet.

"Michael Rich"? Is that what John McEnroe calls himself these days?

Zowie. The man knows his work comp. If he is as right on everything else as he is on that, buy his book.

In other news, a local cocaine distributor with a season ticket inside the Texas Rangers dugout just filed for unemployment benefits.

Somewhere, retired California Highway Patrol officer Dick Dick is laughing it off, as he is the last one standing.

So sad, and ever so much worse since his children were disallowed from posting on eBay the neon sign from dad's business: "DICK BUTT MASSAGE".

We know the chesty mommy. Mrs. Function's reaction to the tape: "She sticks them out there to be stared at. Men stare. Mission accomplished. What is the problem?"

Please don't let me know when Jumbo Diaz and his likely overly-ample significant other are likewise hacked and exposed.

When asked to comment on this incendiary issue rocking his hometown, Burning Man simply smoldered in silence.

They have to get married now.

See your doodle, Homer.

Plane-Seat Recliners make The Donald look like Mary Poppins.

Dombrowski just claimed her on revocable waivers.

Was going to comment that this pic of him is flattering, he looks nice in lime green and accessorized well. But I refuse to lay bare insensitivity.

Poor guy didn't notice 'Babe Ruth' was autocorrected from 'Bill Cosby'. I noticed just now when mine autocorrected to 'Babe Arithmetic'. Having settled that, I cannot account for designating Cleveland Indians fandom as the basis for rejecting Cosby, so I shall now stop thinking about it.