I had so much anxiety about my new doctor approving my request for a refill on Xanax that I took my partially full bottle (prescribed by my previous doctor) to the appointment to prove I was taking it responsibly. She was very amused. I think nothing proves my anxiety more than having anxiety that my new doctor…

Worst excuse:

I worked with a young girl who called in sick one morning. I told her to get some rest and to let me know if she needed anything. Her reply floored me.

"I ran out of magnum condoms so I'll just have to pull out..."

I had an employee who I wasn't allowed to fire because her mother was the EA to one of the self-important people, I mean an executive. There was about a 10% chance of her actually showing up for shifts. Her excuses, however, were beautiful. I can't recall them all, but I do remember the escalating order:

A friend's former co-worker and I had gone out on two dates, but after that, I realized that I just wasn't that interested. I did the grown up thing and explained that while he seemed to be a nice individual, I just didn't want to continue things. I figured I wouldn't hear from again and we would move on with our…

I understand.

No lie, I am regularly late to work for a variety of reasons, but one of them is absolutely that it makes my cat grumpy when I leave. When I wake up she always comes over to cuddle and purr, and if I abandon her to get ready for work she pouts and does the angry cat tail swish of doom.

Easter, like 5 years ago. My sister had, until this point, refused to acknowledge me as her relative on FB. It didn't bother me too much but when she started using it to let everyone know about family gatherings, I got more than a little annoyed. How hard is it to add me then block me from seeing everything but group…

You Don't Understand My Hair.

Hopefully, you've learned that most dealers will match you when you smoke with them...

ummm, so how does everyone hate candy corn?!?!?!?

Candy corn is good!

"Iraq has weapons of mass destruction."

"My hamster was scared."

Can I steal that last one? I feel like my genuine social anxiety (so bad that I have panic attacks right before major events and vomit while in those major events) isn't working as an excuse anymore. You'd think "I will literally hyperventilate and then vomit everywhere," would work, but fuck it, I'm building so many…

I was a manager in a large call center and the best call in I ever received was "I can't come to work today because I don't have a comb."

I was T-boned in a major intersection, by a woman who ran through the light a good 15 or so seconds after her light turned red. Her excuse? She wasn't familiar with the area. Had I not been in pain and disoriented at the time I would have thought to ask her what color the stoplights are where she lived.

I had a roommate who was supposed to go to a going away party for someone she didn't particularly give a shit about, so the excuse she gave? "I have to wash my sneakers."