The comments

"Is there an opinion so bad even Amanda Fucking Palmer can't hold it"

While I didn't feel bad about myself this morning, the term "undercarriage" would have fixed that if I had. I'm stealing that.

There is a list of things I plan to present at the Pearly Gates with a flourish, entitled "At Least I Didn't..." and this whole "smilingly display the rubber copy of my bits" is right up there in the top ten.

A much more appropriate choice for selling a rubber anus.

I like how she's presenting the mold of her vag to you while smiling like a 4 year old who just brought you a fingerpaint portrait of your face akin to something out of Picasso's nightmares.

Dress skinny? Face it, fellow commuters: you're lucky if I dress clean.

Also, any guy who enjoys blowjobs and uses "dick-sucking" as an insult is a fucking hypocrite.

I worked for a derm who hated other derms that touted all this bull. Drug and beauty reps feared this man because if it wasn't legit or wasn't made with proven ingredients, he chewed you out in front of his staff and patients! Every single time someone asked what they should be washing their face with, he said Dove…

Okay, I'm going to stop trying to explain things and try to actually help you.

But they just want to be friends!

Well, as a true dyed-in-the-wool pervert who used to sell sex toys, I can tell you that my immediate first thought was, "oh yeah. Textured." So that would be my guess as to why pepperoni. If you don't want to go out and buy a big veiny dildo, this might be your cheapest option. Or else he's using the cheap stuff…

Seriously. All that schmaltzy treacle and NO throbbing manhoods or heaving bosoms? Criminal. I'd rather read 50 Shades of Cray than this crapola, at least there's (bizarrely written) dong in that.

Does he put a pasty over his sphincter or does the butt just get 0 coverage?

If you were born in the 1910s and you're still around to buy smokes, frankly, you win. Game over and the rest of us can go home.