I was born in DC, spent most of my growing up years in Maryland, and lived there about 25 years in all. That said, when I left the last time in 2000, I swore I wouldn’t go back, and I haven’t. Shit like this is why.

You’re not the first guy I’ve heard say that. Not by a longshot. This is the part about women doing the lion’s share of the emotional labor in a hetero relationship. Usually what happens is that a guy makes the same proclamation you just did and then flounces when fiancee tries to tell him that that solution will…

It’s not social ranking, it’s keeping the couple from having a million fights they don’t need to have. Don’t want terrible aunt there but it would crush your mom and cause discord in the family? Oops she can’t go, her health won’t allow her to travel that far, sorry auntie! Best friend’s husband is Mr. Hot Taek…

Expensive weddings are dumb.

Best description of the current style of weddings I’ve heard: “Let’s pretend we’re rich day”

I've had two friends now totally forgo the formal wedding and instead just get married at the courthouse and throw a party later. They spent the tens of thousands of saved dollars on a house down-payment and a month long honeymoon, respectively. Why the fuck doesn't everyone realize this is much smarter than blowing…

I am so glad that I’m done with the weddings part of my life. My wife used to get pissed at me when I would call wedding invitations bills.

You and those who replied all made valid points to some degree at least, but can we simplify and just say that weddings suck? Like, the whole ordeal, the invites and the drama and the RSVP and the choosing your food and the gift and the wearing of special clothing and the being there all day with the church and the…

My dog sneezes if she’s excited or annoyed.

I’m sure he was referring to Paris, TX.

You forgot to point out that he forgot the word “idea” in the first sentence reply to Andrew.  If you wanna grade the paper, grade the WHOLE paper.

I’m too cheap to take my wife to Paris. I need some overbearing friend to go get married IN Paris so that I have no choice but to pony up for a cross-country flight and then bitch about it.

I have no idea how I would handle this if it happened to me. What would you do if the mad pooper struck in your backyard? Would you stop him mid-poop?

Waterloo.

Waterloo.

Topo Chico. Perfect amount of carbonation and the taste has just the right bite.

Topo Chico. Perfect amount of carbonation and the taste has just the right bite.

No you’re mistaken, that gentleman is Donovan McNabb.

Excuse you, but it’s Sondra, and we all know Vanessa was the worst. 

Sarah Palin always struck me as exactly the kind of person that would launch a GoFundMe to pay for her anal bleaching treatments.

Me: Get Out! Teddy Ferguson?! Was it the sugars or the gout?

What do you mean by “suddenly”? I’ve been watching and waiting forever for them to get to just the exact right level of ripeness. It was worth it. Those things in the store don’t deserve to have the same name.