Probably Kim Jong Un because Donald Trump already fucks me every day.

MAGA: Manafort And Gates Arrested

We successfully kept white nationalists out of Murfreesboro today and I feel really fucking awesome about that!

“Because when I hear dystopian horror, I think theme park.”

They only reason they haven’t is because Mango Unchained has hasn’t assigned Ambassadors to most countries, and there’s no one there to fuck things up.

So it seems that while with the previous Royal marriage most were obsessed with the sister’s arse this one will just have a half-sister who is an arse.

I honestly think that the collective trauma of having a sexual abuser in our nation’s highest office is big contributing factor to this recent wave of abusers being outed and consequenced. Like, this is the part in the movie when the United States of America cuts off all her hair and joins forces with the leggy…

I haven’t seen an orangeman cause this much chaos for the national scene since every day this year.

And that is why I only say Happy holidays. It’s like a litmus test for if someone is an asshole or not. If they challenge me on it, I just say “fine, I don’t wish you happy holidays.”

WTF just rename this the “shut up about your feelings women - be happy you have a guy, even one who sucks” column.

I’m going to have to dispute that one - I love puppers nearly as much as cats, but let’s be real, a dog would be just as happy to do its business in the house if you let it and will definitely eat you if it gets hungry enough.

Melania Trump planted kale in Michelle Obama’s garden today, which I guess is better than the alternative but like, I don’t know, please step off our leeks!!!!

Yeah right. Like she’d let her body go down the drain this early in her career after getting all of those surgeries. In fact, she’s probably just recovering from another surgery right now and that is why she’s hiding out.

Did anyone stay up to witness Cassini’s loss of signal?

Sure, a second or third place trophy.

She’s got black eyes, like a doll’s eyes. And then one rolls back white and the terrible high pitched lying starts.

What i assume went through that pilots head:

I’ve a pretty handy panic scale to gauge my response.

@HEATHERNUMBER1: I am with you. If you don't know shit about sex, you ain't ready for it. That's why there's an INTERNET full of INFORMATION for ladies to read. Just because you are ignorant now (and we all were at some point!) doesn't mean you can't go read up on that shit ASAP. It's important to know what the…