In closing, these stories have not been embellished, because they need no embellishment. They are simply, horrifyingly, the story of my life as a short, stocky, slow-witted bald man. Thank you.

Puddy has Ziggy bed sheets.

Jon Voight.

He moved to a hotel and the cat eventually died.

I picked it up, studied it. I thought, "I like this." I didn't know in what way or what level, but I knew: I wanted to be around brassieres.

You got a problem with six?

So what? It's a nipple. A little round circular protuberance. What's the big deal?

Wait a minute, I know you. You're the guy from the Calvin Klein underwear ads.

So, one thing led to another…

George has become a hand model.

I think it's time to put the hurt on the Ukraine.

Gee, man, it must be a bummer for you guys, what with the fall of the Soviet empire and everything .

If you're going there, maybe you could pick me up some of this super hydrating - it's a total-protection moisturizer with uva.

It offends me as a comedian!

I can't describe how great it is to win!

Well Miss Coggins, you're obviously qualified for the job. You have all the necessary skills and experience. But you're extremely attractive. You're gorgeous. I’m looking at you, I can't even remember my name. So, I’m afraid this is not going to work out.

I'm gay! I'm a gay man! I'm very, very gay!

Ooh, cat fight.

You are dead wrong. Dead wrong.

My question to you is: Who's putting your pants on?