My cousin Melanie was 15 and walking home from school one day when a Rottweiler came out of nowhere and began mauling her. She's 31, and you can still see the chunk it took out of her upper arm.

STOP GIFTING CHEAP SOAPS AND LOTION. JUST STOP IT.

@introverted_innovator: What?

@Oleander: Seriously. I am of Russian descent, and I live in Sheepshead Bay myself. I am NOT offended by you calling this area Scam Central, since it's true.

Can we just talk about how Artie gave Britney a comb he found on the floor? A TRASH COMB. Fucking disgusting.

@jannanaphone: It's my month paycheck. I teach two courses at a public college.

@AmethystMarzipan: My paycheck isn't steady. I didn't get paid for the first 6 weeks of the semester due to budget cuts. I've been nearly evicted a couple of times this year due to Payroll fucking around.

I'm clutching my $744/month teaching paycheck in one hand and playing the world's tiniest violin in the other.

@SunnyBunnyDays: Wow, spoken like someone who's probably never dealt with weight issues. Must be nice!

@banalna: I wouldn't say his money is undeserved, but he should be donating some of it.

Really? Jews have no asses? Well, shit, y'all, I guess all of the women in my family missed the memo!

Well, of course all Jews are grossly unattractive. That's why Natalie Portman, Scarlett Johansson, Mila Kunis, Isla Fisher and Maggie Gyllenhaal are known for being hideous. And don't even get me started on how awful the men look — who could possibly find James Franco, Jason Segel, or Jon Stewart sexy? That's just…

@leogurl7: I understand where she's coming from, though. As a bisexual woman, there are certain people you want to talk to about it, and others who you don't for fear of judgment.

@Valkyrie607 is epistemically responsible: Daaaaaaaaamn, what is this from?

My Catholic grandmother is still pissed that her lovely daughter married a Jew. Seriously, my grandparents didn't even attend my parents' wedding. And here I am, the half-Jewish offspring, who has had the nerve to connect with Judaism and be proud of her heritage.

@supercalifragilisticexpialidoc...: YES. YES YES YES.

@PrisonBreakShaker: I fucking hate Katy Perry. At least Nicki is ACTUALLY BISEXUAL.

One time, someone grabbed my grandma's boob when she was riding the A train. It was 1952, she was 17 and the groper probably filed her under some kind of "vulnerable Jewish girl" stereotype.

@annadrezen: You are fucking awesome. I salute you.

Turkey dump? Hell yeah, I always look forward to an epic post-Thanksgiving poop!