“I mean, she licked a lot of people, sir. So everyone kind of talked about the fact that she licked people. That’s what she did when she got drunk.”

I can’t even think of what to say about this.

It will be the screenplay for “The Post” with all the occurrences of “Washington” and “Post” hastily scratched out.

I always thought there was something wrong with me because I didn’t find Louis CK even remotely funny - and it seems like everyone I know did. I am grimly relieved to know that I had it pretty much right all along.

I spent some time with this game. Got to about the same point as the author. Enjoyed it a little. Then I decided that I had already played this game - several times over - and went back to No Man’s Sky Next.

It would be too much to say I “Like” his beard, but I do think it is a great improvement. He actually looks mostly human, rather than like Dobbie the House Elf’s even creepier cousin, Ted the House Troll.

My wife is 50 and I think she’s pretty hot still. And anyway, while I admire a 25 year old as much as the next guy, I think it’s creepy at my age to be thinking dirty thoughts about them.

My wife has almost always made way more money than me. And I think it’s awesome. What kind of idiot doesn’t want a well-off spouse?

The Seanibus WeeWee is camera shy, fortunately

Maybe I’ll amend the principle to be “Assume that nobody on earth wants to see a photo of your dick - unless they specifically ask for one...”

If men would just start from the perfectly reasonable premise that nobody actually wants to see photos of our dicks, the world would be a better place.

I sorta wish they had stuck with the old cartoon-era Aquaman vibe, because we have the perfect person to play the old-school Aquaman: Mike Pence:

Actually, having done both things, I can say that Parenting While Hungover is #2 on the bad list. #1 is working in a deep-dish pizza restaurant kitchen while hungover is far worse. Kids do, at least take occasional naps and sometimes do cute and rewarding things. A 750 degree pizza oven just makes you sweat out the…

This is weird, since the darker beers are generally easier to screw up on and still make a drinkable beer (which is why every homebrewer has a stout or porter in the recipe book). You’d think they would struggle with the lighter, hoppier stuff than the dark stuff.

“a glitch preventing Medic from reviving fallen teammates?” It’s known as “death.” It’s a feature in the game of life, not a bug.

“If I’m eating at a Burger King, it’s because something awful has happened”

Really, when you’re running against Ted Cruz, who looks like a snowman who has somehow survived into summer and is now regretting his longevity, you really profit by the comparison in the looks department. I am sure Beto is plenty hot on his own, but he’s absorbing bonus point for simply not looking at all like his…

Plus all those fancy classes and auditing and stuff make it possible to use the phrase “ne plus ultra” in public without the slightest shred of shame or irony.

I am having a teeney bit of trouble wrapping my head around the Trump-Sessions beef. Has the president forgotten that he is, like, the president and can pick up the phone and call his attorney general pretty much anytime of day or night? Or even summon him to the White House and yell at him all he wants in person? His…

Ok, so you’re old fashioned. Know what else is “old fashioned,” Rudy? Slavery. Colonialism. Human sacrifice. Cannibalism. Crapping in the stream out behind your shack. Going to bed at sunset because you have no means of artificial illumination. Eating raw meat because you haven’t discovered fire. Do you believe in…

When my younger son was in fourth or fifth grade, he explained that he doesn’t study because he “wanted to make the tests harder.” Seems like a perfectly reasonable approach.