Oh come on. Next you're going to tell me that those letters in Penthouse Forum aren't even real.

I am feeling slightly faint.

She "Found" photographers in her house? Like Nixon "found" a whole bunch of angry GOP senators in the White House one day all urging him to resign? Or like Oprah "finds" a live audience and a full camera crew in her studio every day? It's so strange when that happens.

This is quite sad. It spells the end of getting in a cab at, say, the Willard Hotel and traveling to to the Capitol by way of Kalorama, or seeing the Cathedral along the way. DC newbies saw more interesting sights under the zone system.

@BiscuitDoughJones: Well, you COULD do that on her 15th, but I think in recent years the preferred move is to dress her up as Lindsay Lohan and ply her with alcohol. Otherwise, how could she be ready for her traditional 17th birthday party, which is a week at a high-end rehab facility?

Yeah, breast implants are for the 16th birthday. Turning 15 is traditionally celebrated with the ritual giving of "trashy hooker clothes."

What really scares me is that under David Addington's interpretation of Sharia law, Dick Cheney would automatically become Vice-President-For-Life in the new Islamic States of America.