I’ve done this in my younger days. What generally happens is you kind of know something or knew something once, and you start to talk about it and then quickly realize you forgot/don’t know some important detail. So you end up just making shit up and wanting to die. Then what I usually did was look up the information…

Multiple women have told me it’s a “pleasant surprise” which kind of makes me feel like they are saying I seem like a dude with a small d. Either that or they are like “finally! I’m having sex with a guy whose penis isn’t so big that it hurts”. Either way, I'm not feeling very masculine

im crying tears of joy at the prospect of eating this

i hope my local mcdonald’s participates

There was an awful period in the not distant enough past where I made my living working in the kitchen of a dominos in the ghetto. I closed the store every night, and there was always pressure to close the store an hour after close (1am) because they didn’t want to pay me an extra $8. I was fine with this because I…

The first thing is just common sense though. A lot of times when I’m out talking to women I’ll subtly pepper my sentences with sexy words like “penis”, “vagina”, “moist”, and “boobs”. 100% of women get do turned on that they have to immediately stop talking to me. You're welcome, fellas.

So the second thing pretty much applies to all alcohol and not their specific brand. That doesn’t seem like a good advertisement strategy even if it didn’t boil down to “get her so drunk she does something she didn’t want to do, hopefully with you!”

That’s true. When I was a teen it was all about not getting caught so quickness was oy primary performance. Now I’m middle age and and sometime don’t even realize I’ve started doing it till i’ve been at it for several hours.

There’s usually cheese, eggs, sausage, and biscuits involved because it’s the sausage, egg, and cheese sandwich in a biscuit. I eat my breakfast at McDonald’s. This is somehow my most shameful confession

Oh my god. I just googled “ a train and masturbation” to get your reference. I figured out what you were referring to but never ever google “a train and masturbation” unless uou are absolutely sure that’s a combination of things you want to see. Even then be warned: it's never the people you want it to be masturbating…

Call me old fashioned, but private parts should be private. Smh

Not mention the fact that libidos are subject to change.

Amen. I’ve been jerking off the same way for twenty years. Is it as exciting as it was when I was 12? Nah, but it’s still probably my favorite part of the day other than breakfast.

“It’s not that sex doesn’t matter, of course. It’s that how much it matters—and how it does—is individual and subjective; what works for you may not work for someone else.”

Maybe in his mind it’s like this drive by truckers song, which I guess I basically support the general message of, but still have to raise an eyebrow at. Really your white confederate grandfather in Alabama didn’t believe in slavery and did believe that all men should be free? I’m not buying it, Patterson Hood.

After my grandfather died, we cleaned out his attic. He had saved an article from 1964 about his cousin, who shares my last name, being arrested after running on to the floor of congress to protest against Civil Rights legislation. He was wearing blackface, and there were photographs. It’s heritage not hate!

They possibly thought it might show that the flag is now a post-supremacy of the whole south, because they are morons

She did get a pretty big push in the last ten years, but she started comedy half a century ago. So I view her more as something from comedy’s past that lingered. Whereas Lisa Lampenelli started writing jokes in the 1990s and has way more racism per joke than Rivers ever did. I mean, fuck both of them; but only one of…

Yeah, but she’s taking yoga now! And she is insecure about her body, so she should totally be promoted on Jezebel for making a long career in show business out of punching down.