Good for you. I’m sure you showed them.

It’s to lure Matlock out of hiding.

yes

smart man.

Now that we’ve established that you’re not worthy of my time, you can go plan that gang rape you’ve always dreamed of or something.

Write “I need us to be together” in crayon on the back of a torn piece of paper, staple a wasp to it, and then leave it in a junked newborn car seat on her porch with a doll’s head in it.

Do your friends have a safe word that they can use to escape conversing with you?

Sorry. I’ll be busy inserting a 2 gallon tub of unsweetened peanut butter into my colon that day. I use a fishing hook to pull it back out. Would you like me to send you pictures I’ve found of babies born without cerebellum on google images? This one looks like a hairless saw whet owl.

Email amusing youTube videos of fat neckbeards doing spoken-word covers of Missy Elliot songs or explaining the finer points of home defence with a katana once every 6 months or so. All good.

I prefer murmuration to friendship. We can talk and be ok with one another as long as it requires zero effort and zero commitment on my part.

I’m the guy who bongs the propeller when he falls over the back of the ship. Miraculously, I survive and go on to join the Justice League.

The men onboard could have used their urine to melt the iceberg, and thus sail to safety.

You had me at “Bu”

Or Cylons.

He should run for president.

Well, either it’s “hey” or I bring out the air horn again.

“Hey” is the male version of the start noise that a Mac makes when you fire it up in the morning. What it indicates is that they blue-screened during orgasm and that the blood supply has just been restored to their brain.

Ashley Feinberg is closer to immortality than Peter Thiel.

On that note, who gets to be John Wilkes Booth?

I still haven’t seen her dashing fetus skull necklace.