My favorite:

I felt like an old man the other week when I went to see "Girls Trip" and there was a trailer for that goddamned "Annabelle" movie and it just assaulted my senses with jump scare after jump scare.

Yeah and it's played for laughs. It's… odious.

"Oh, my god, can you believe these Nazi fucking cowards?"

He just comes over to your table and drinks all your Sprite.

I definitely don't want it to be illegal, but I'm disgusted by the overwhelming, "They're entitled to their opinions!" I'm seeing online. Like… sure, yes, they are. And that's not even close to being challenged. I'm just fucking flabbergasted that on this debate instead of saying, "Fuck Nazis," they're saying,…

The way I see it, if you think it, get fucking help. Those thoughts are poisonous. If you think children are sexually attractive, get goddamned therapy. If you want to kill people, you're wrong. I'm sick of this, "Well, if you don't act on it, it's okay" bullshit.

I love the irony (is it irony? i think the word i'm looking for is 'stupid, cowardly') of conservatives hiding behind PC culture to not be outed as racist.

I was thinking of Zoolander!

I know I shouldn't be surprised but… hey, I'm kind of surprised! I'm surprised how many people online, normal people that is, are saying that these Nazis are entitled to their opinions.

WHY DON'T YOU PUT HER IN CHARGE?!

Where does Corporal Hicks place on this list? Or Dan Hicks?

I tried a couple years back to get my girlfriend into Twin Peaks. Long story short, it just wasn't for her, and that's fine. I get it! I totally get it. It's not for everyone, man. She liked Fire Walk With Me more than the series, enjoyed the movie's 90 minutes of deleted scenes, but even still, "I can take it or…

I'm an unapologetic lover of early Family Guy.

Yup, and Martin Scorsese standing behind the ghost of Oscar Wilde all the way at the end.

For my book club, I read "We are Never Meeting in Real Life" by Samantha Irby and while I loved it at first, because she's a very funny author, I ended up fucking hate it by the end.

Hey I've never done this before! It's my first time!

I was getting gas before work this morning and I was like, "Huh, my gas tank doesn't usually hold this much—" and WHOOSH! a bunch of gas poured out of my tank. I was way too far from home to hit up my house again, so my shoes are in the server room and I'm walking around in socks at the office like fucking Burt…

I always wanted Samuel L. Jackson to open a restaurant and to call it "Steaks on a Plate."

I think that's what I was getting at, but the original post is deleted so now I look like a dumbass all these years later.