.

The most enjoyment I ever received from an umbrella was 30+ years ago. My parents took us out to lunch during a nasty rainstorm to a restaurant that had a good-sized patio section. Poor bastard who’d been scheduled to work the patio was instead given one of the giant table umbrellas and instructed to walk any patrons…

For my 13th birthday, my friends did what was standard at the time: They “kidnapped”me and took me to breakfast in my pajamas. Then I went home, got cleaned up and went to school like it wasn’t a thing. That night, I started hurling big time. Then the shits started. I was leaning over the toilet, retching, when a huge…

I am a big man with a big umbrella, but I am also a tall man, and my umbrella unfurled resides in the airspace above the mundanes, much like an SR-71 soaring above Cessnas and Pipers, like clouds floating majestically above the plains. It provides brief moments of respite for all who pass under it.

Considering that I accepted lactose intolerance was really a thing the day I simultaneously emptied my bowels in the toilet as I threw up in the tub ( it was the nearest container) , you’d think that was the grossest. Not by a long shot.

Sometimes, if you’re really lucky, you can shed your uterine lining in big chunks rather than having it disintegrate into a period. Big, rubbery, grey, fleshy, sticky chunks.

When I lived in NYC I was of the opinion that if your umbrella was capable of covering any more people than it was actively covering it was far too fucking big and you were a horrible sociopath, but I currently live in a place where attitudes toward walking anywhere range from tepid to naked hostility, so I walk…

I had this too! But in addition, because I’d been puking so much and losing so much water volume, I finally passed out. My husband heard a thump. He came into the bathroom and found me bloody, shitty ass up, face in my toddler’s toy bucket. I had no obvious injuries except that I got a UTI. Also, my husband and I were…

I got super clotty on the ring, too. One time my husband walked into the bathroom while I was changing my tampon, so I rewarded his blithe disregard of my privacy by showing him the GIGANTIC clot hanging from the end of my ‘pon.

My opinion was that Carol was a fine film. The loud opinion of people sitting and drinking in front of me was that it was a bit slow. They seemed like cool people so take advice from them I guess.

God I hate April 1st.

Shut up Tim and go make me a sandwich!
[Did I do that right?]

Did you guys hear that men suck and ruin everything? I dunno if you did. You probably did.

Seems like the ‘discouraging students from coming forward’ has been pretty fucking advertent for awhile now.

2 mins too slow

Our cat leaves us the tail and head of mice. I guess he wants the nougat center.

WHYYYY do people call the poliiiiice

DO THESE MARIJUANA FETCHING POOCHES COME IN A PUG MODEL?