I tried a standing desk for awhile and let me tell you, I can waste just as much time standing as sitting.

There is literally no way you “accidentally” tie a noose. “The bunny goes in the hole and around the tree and shit, I tied a noose again...”

Oh honey, he’s never fucked a vagina in his life. 

I am genuinely happy for Gaetz.  That he now has a designated driver.

The twist is that there are no ghosts or spooky things from the woods. Kay is haunted by an old person. It’s a metaphor for Boomers.

I’m sorry about your penis

This Real Genius fans agrees.

Exactly. Plate goes down. If you don’t eat it in 30 - 40 minutes, you go hungry and I give you Conrad’s “Heart of Darkness” so you can learn about the power of hunger.

Fire her ass and hire someone who knows to bloom their spices in the coconut milk solids when they make a curry.

I see in one photo he’s wearing flip flops, so he knows what feet do indeed look like.

Ahh the weekend! Refilled the pool after using all the water to put out my gymnasium on fire :)

IDK why Jada should be any different, lots of people are learning for the first time how partners react in a crisis and how they act when they’re on at work.

I’m also able to appreciate the appeal of Padma Lakshmi’s at-home cooking tutorials, which she’s posting to Instagram in an effort to stay connected to fans while helping them navigate the ins and outs of making a chicken tagine.

Peter Griffin : A palette? Am-am I readin’ this right? Y-You need a palette of chocolate-covered pretzels? Wh-wh-where the hell am i supposed to…

This is like the beginning of a terrible horror movie that I would totally watch. Of course you gotta dress it up a bit for maximum drama.

The most calm I feel each day is the small period of time between Cuomo’s daily update and the press conference from the White House.  Maybe tomorrow I will be smarter and not watch Trump try to give himself a blow job in front of the entire nation during an unprecedented global pandemic.

TBH, no- I was hoping that she was a wreathing mass of snakes from the clavicle down.

i have to go against all the processed cheese food shills in the comments and on staff here. swiss for a tuna melt and sharp cheddar if you’re putting it with apples.

Ugh that kook? If anything this makes me less likely to vote for him...

So a snake oil fraud endorsed Bernie. My fart’s endorsement carries more weight.