You think that’s bad, I ripped my gym teacher in half during prom.

Nah, that’s the Zack Snyder version of female empowerment. He’d lecture you for oogling the woman dressed in nothing but a few straps and filmed as lasciviously as possible. “She’s a talented professional! How dare you view her as a sex object!”

Most Tesla drivers don’t hold on to the steering wheel anyways.

So it’s not about exploring a hollow asteroid on a collision course with earth?

I get squeamish just hearing about medical procedures, but the few times I’ve needed surgeries I’ve had to listen to the doctor go through how it all works. Every time, I wanted to pass out. Something like these videos would be a much better option. It doesn’t make me feel ill and it simplifies things to a point where…

beautiful schaughnwulph. Thank you for sharing your mind. 

His mother will be welcoming a series of guest hosts!

Pish posh. That’s poppycock. Cheerio!

Tom Holland is good at it, so that helps.

Narrator: He didn’t.

Thanks for this. I was completely lost. 

“That Pedo-bot had it coming.”-Elon Musk

It turns out Chidi’s Bad Place is being forced to choose between eating a bowl of stew or wearing a bracelet. He knows the choice is incredibly important, but has no significant data on which to decide which outcome is morally better.

Ron Swanson wouldn’t give a fuck about bracelets OR stew. The broth and vegetables just get in the way of the meat. 

No mention of the fact that the best tweet cited here, by Ken Tremendous, is in fact by Michael Schur, creator of The Good Place and Brooklyn Nine-Nine?

Coming in with the hot take that’s going to piss a lot of people off, but fuck it -

Son, what you got is a head full o’ bad wirin’.

Talladega Nights is some sort of genius, and I stick by it. Ricky Bobby is every bit a wonderful creation as Buddy the Elf and Ron Burgundy

Elf.