“I’m not sure that you get to tell an Asian woman what Asian stereotypes she gets to be offended by.”

“Without warning, Ted’s robe swung open; grinning, he reached to cover himself with his copy of Atlas Shrugged. The pocket edition.”

“Ayn want to know if your Rand-y, ladies,” he smirked to the shocked women to whom he had just exposed his “Cruz Control.”

I know we are all probably still traumatized by the Lindsey Lohan biopic, but I would watch the ever-loving hell out of Dallas Buyers Club 2: White Diamonds.

I’ve been raped. My soul and dignity are both doing just fine.

So what happens when she breaks up with that moth?

What would you do if you weren’t a Bear?

This was a rational and well measured response. You get a gold star, but unfortunately lose the internet for the day for not degrading this into a fight.

EXACTLY. MY first thought was ‘NO ONE WILL GET MY COIN JARS!’ but like, do i melt down all the change into a big middle finger or make thousands of wishes that people never touch my goddamn change?

You know, more than one person can be at fault in a single situation; it’s not a zero-sum blame game. I don’t condone driving after 7 margaritas, but rofl at everyone rushing to commend someone who didn’t see any problem with bringing a single two-top FOURTEEN margaritas.

So Sleepy LaBeef is a smudgy, 6th generation Xerox copy of Crispin Glover for the Millenials, right?

I am looking to hire cooks and waitstaff for my newest restaurant - Punchie’s This Is How We Serve It.

Her obtuseness is the caviar of beach garbage.

I understand this dog. I mean, who among us has never chewed the locks off of a container to eat a dozen chocolate muffins?

Goop Dogg.

Ye, Olde?

Erykah Badu is taking me back to The Princess and the Frog

Neither do mine. Also, it was Father’s Day here on the weekend. I texted my dad to say happy father’s day, and got a text back saying “Ta. But remember, its just a capitalist marketing ploy to extract money from the working class.”.

My theory that many of Franzen’s books are male-oriented bodice rippers still stands!

I read a lot of female writers. Some write great literature, some write airplane reads. Weiner falls in the high end of the second category. I would be way more sympathetic to Weiner if it weren’t painfully obvious that she thinks she is writing far better books than she actually is.