Once at the gym someone sidled up to me at the water fountain and ACTUALLY ASKED THE CLICHE PICKUP-LINE-QUESTION “Come here often?” I looked him right in the eye and said “Are you calling me fat.” snapped the cap back on my water bottle, then walked away.

they never know which button to push, but they’re always cute and apologetic about it.

Manatees are totally chill and will gladly take your picture if you ask.

I don’t understand the fun of ocean swimming. Who could enjoy swimming above a giant abyss filled with monsters. I don’t even like lake swimming because of the chance of a salmon touching my leg

Love Audubon’s sass. Love birds. Love sound reasoning. Dislike intellectual dishonesty. Dislike Franzen. Fin.

Other than this blurb:

Ok.... but HOWWWWWW did he hurt his BACK because of the KILT? Would he have been fine if he were wearing pants? You did not explain (or he did not explain to you) how wearing a kilt contributed to the back injury, and I will not be able to sleep until I hear an answer.

Well once it was no longer deemed a planet I heard property values took a real dive.

I used to work in a deli and there was one dude that would come in several times a week to get a sandwich. Every.single.time he came in he argued with me about the cost of his sandwich. The store charged for extra toppings, even the veggie ones, and he told me every time that he didn't have to pay for extra toppings.…

I've been looking for a place to put this, and this is as good as anywhere!

There's a TV show in this. Intolerant jerk face dies, but cannot enter the Pearly Gates, because he's an intolerant jerk face. Instead, he must go back and help people on earth, including the family he twisted to be like him.

Excuse me, but they were Spice Girls Chupa Chups, not Spice Girls brand lollipops.

That's what my gynecologist said to me.

I had high expectations for this show.... which made me nervous I might be let down. But Lena did not disappoint. I thought her comedic timing was spot on, and it definitely felt as if she had a significant hand in the writing of most of the sketches.

I still feel like he should have beaten Romney in the primaries.

And cool shoes, friends, cars, houses with cardboard couches and pink...all the pink.

Yeah, like I said it's a SLOG. I live in a 6th floor walk-up, no machines in building. And I've done this with towels. Real talk: It fucking blew. (I generally do not swear in my writing so when I do you know I mean business!) But it's not a thing you should have to do often and if you can manage the heft it's worth…