Mother fucker boops me on the nose and they lose a finger. Consider yourself lucky, Keith.

Good to see he’s moving on from Heidi Klum

Yep, my 16 year old sister confirmed that this is because they are hyper aware of their online presence and want to be in control of it. It’s also a signal to your friends not to tag you either, which I get but...why are you posing for a picture in the first place? Why not just decline the photographer or turn your…

The most logical conclusion to which I arrived is that they recognize that facial recognition is A Thing and that pictures on the Internet never go away, so by hiding their faces they can hopefully prevent embarrassing questions in future job interviews.

There is no context in which shaming a woman for having Diet Coke and turkey is okay. I mean unless she is deathly allergic to Diet Coke and turkey, he can fuck right off.

“body diversity and age inclusivity.”

Bother me? I laughed out loud when I read it. It fascinates me to no end when I hear people justify their actions as natural, honorable, and true when in fact it’s simply self-interest.

No, this cat is.

Married for almost a decade. Not so hard. Maybe because I didn’t rush into it until I was older. Two marriages dunzo by 32 is suggesting something.

The Weeknd was gonna have a birthday party at Dave & Buster’s? Holy shit, that’s so basic it has a pH of 20.

Hey, I totally agree with you but can you not use “bitch” the way you did? I thought we were done with misogynistic terms. Guess not. Please edit your comment. Thanks in advance.

I just used up the last of those today! I feel dirty.

Now *this* is Justin’s genuine happy face. Sorry Paul Ryan, Justin will never love you the way he loves Barack!

I don’t think I can top this tweet

I “Netflix Cheat” all the time, but Mr. Cheese doesn’t care because he knows I’ll just rewatch the episodes with him, because there was a good chance I was multi-tasking during the first run and missed some stuff.

Netflix cheating is only possible if you can actually settle on a damn show to watch. Seriously, the amount of time we spend flipping through Netflix, Hulu, and Amazon Prime is just criminal.

I’ve heard that there may be a loop hole that if the ring was given on an occasion such that it could be considered a gift (Xmas, Valentine’s, B-day), the woman (usually) may be able to keep it. My friend is married to a lawyer and he proposed on a random Friday or whatever so that should something go wrong he could…

To test whether one can handle married life, apparently.

Last night after everyone (including Adele) was smarting from Beyoncé’s grossly unfair Album of the Year loss

I mean she sang beautifully! it looked beautiful! but it just didn’t do it for me.