"He cares less about winning football games than about the kids that pass through Penn State."

I'm pretty sure they're just silver:

And magic loogies are comedy gold.

Silver Bullets ALSO cause hangovers.

Silver Bullets kill werewolves. Magic Bullets kill hangovers.

I believe South Park warned against too much of this.

Siri read me this article while I was driving on the freeway, and it made me so mad at my phone that I threw my 4S right out the window!

Also, it's great to have Alf back... in any form.

I wonder if he ever made those monkeys pay.

"Yes. Well, I'd like to cast my vote for: FLAVUM!!!"

When you're ready to get serious about your drinking.

"You’re All Screwed. Just like any woman who accompanies me to a seminar... whether she likes it or not."

Not for me. But then again, my YouTube has pretty much looked the same since the beginning of time.

Sucks to get old. Don't do it.

"Because the water was cold, and the chewing warms me up."

Step 1: Get photo of hot girl.

"The road to the Super Bowl is long and pointless. I mean, when you think about it."

Sorry, no, Steve Jobs is not an asshole.

What an asshole.