I'm forcing my husband to dress in a family theme to take our mini Pie trick or treating. He agreed on one condition: that he got to choose the theme. Scully and Mulder with a tiny alien. Sigh. He's already ordered the FBI badges.

My Halloween costume is gonna be that of a half drunk woman watching horror movies on Netflix.

it’s just all about you, isn’t it?

narcissism +1

I can’t wait to go to a party at the Playboy Lean-to.

Thanks, Obama!

I don’t even know very much about them, but I remember reading an article about how they were trying to have a baby and having trouble...so when I read the headline I said (out loud), “YAY!” When people who really want a baby get a baby, that’s a definite YAY.

I don’t mind “we are going to have a baby” because yes, after the baby is born, they will both, as parents, have a baby. For similar reasons I also give “we’re having a baby,” a pass. But “we are pregnant”? Ugh. No. No, no, no.

I’m laughing extra hard at this. Watch out kids, if you get too close to the mango habanero salsa, la quentessa might jump out and DROWN YOU TOO.

If any celebrities can raise a well-adjusted, healthy, normal child, it’s these two.

Clearly taken from the legend of La Quentessa, a ghost who wanders the earth searching for the children she drowned in mango habanero salsa.

Doba has queso. Chipotle does not have queso. Heretofore, Doba > Chipotle.

I think Jamba Juice needs a spokeswoman named Watermelondrea.

This is like that weird, fake woman Lululemon is based on. I forget her name (Ocean? Skye? Meadow?) but basically she makes billions of dollars per year despite only wearing yoga pants, she lives in San Francisco, and she’s better than you. (So buy more yoga pants.)

Yeah me too. I get especially disoriented when they’re in all lower-case. First I try to figure out what word the person was attempting to type. Then I realize it’s an acronym. Then I try to figure out what it could stand for. Then I look for contextual clues. Then I Google fruitlessly. Finally, I pour a drink and ask.

I’ve been offline all day until a few moments ago.

Of, like, a terminal yeast infection.

bc heaven forbid mom feed little Xanalynn her Cheerios while she’s at brunch. Mommy has to relax.

It helps that it wasn’t for anything major, so it was easily cropped to not even look like a mug shot. No prison orange jumpsuits or anything. I told her she should use it for her passport picture.

If you’re going to be involved with an older ex-con who has a kid shouldn’t he be, IDK, hot? Minus the neck tattoo Tyga looks like a dork who sat in front of me in 10th grade biology.