True story: I accidentally pulled out my first IUD when one slightly-drunk night, while sitting on the toilet, I noticed one of my long brown head hairs coming out of my vag. I pulled, and after a second of excruciating pain and a sudden terrible realization, I was holding my IUD by a clump of hair wrapped around its…

She lost her license because she refused the breath test and her awesome parents took her car away.Her parents are the heroes here.

She’s not my hero. She drove drunk and is choosing to make light of her punishment instead of accepting the consequences.

2005? Oh shit you guys, I’m from 10 years in the future and I have to tell you...shit gets worse. Take all of your money out of the market in 2007, you’ll thank me.

Lesson one of gun safety: all guns are always loaded. Even if you unloaded them yourself. Even if you checked. Even if you just saw the thing assembled for the first time in its life. It is loaded.

There’s a lesson to be learned here:

This Oscar season is going to be bananas.

Random thought, this is the first song that actually implies that Taylor does do the horizontal tango.

After being dead for 18 years, my father in law still has a stalker.

So a week after I started this job, a guy who no longer worked at the publication I worked for died in a car accident. I never met him, and he was a copy editor so it wasn’t like I was familiar in any way with him through what he wrote.
But nevertheless, the EOC said everyone needed to go. So I went. And somehow the…

Miley Cyrus is a legitimate treasure, she has beautiful tits, and I would happily hang out with her and smoke weed and wear nipple pasties any time she asked me.

I see a lot of people with their clothes on, and they’re kind of a—holes,” she added.

So what you’re saying is, he won’t be strike-slipping your San Andreas Fault?

Well, I know it’s going to be easy to criticize this guy and everything he did but, in fairness, I think he did a great job directing Argo.

so that I can seek out potential pussy options

Seems like Fraternities around the US will not rest until they are all disbanded and no longer allowed to exist. That is perfectly fine with me.

Using your kid to pick up your rape victims? Gross isn't a gross enough word to describe it. Sentence is definitely not appropriate.

I was 17 and my mom took me to her gynecologist to have him tell her if I was a virgin or not.

My birthday is April Fool’s Day.

My mom and I had a rough time in high school. I had a hair-trigger temper that came directly from her. We were in the car arguing about... nothing important, probably, when she was getting really mad that I was insisting on holding a packet that had my competitive dance photos in it while we argued. (We use sign…