unlike my kitchen aid mixer which has fucked me more times than I can count.

Its about damn time.

And here I’ve been being rude to men FOR FREE like some kind of IDIOT.

Service animals and emotional support animals are not the same.

I didn’t watch the video but for that last point, ME!

Since you’re not taking my advice on the Carne Asada burrito casserole, I’d like to offer an alternative. Fried chicken casserole. Boneless fried chicken thighs, green beans, gravy, and a mashed potato topping. Sort of like a Southern (and perverted) shepherds pie.

Alright stable genius, you calm down now. Here’s a math joke to make you feel better: What did the zero say to the eight?

If you pull your pants down in public, you waive the right to be insulted by observations.

GOTTAHAVEAWAWA

Because we’re in The Bad Place.

...he dismissed the idea of a Vegas residency as “planning your retirement.”

Just tell him not to eat a Tide pod and he probably will.

Adults voted in Trump and that’s incredibly more stupid than eating tide pods.

“It is very sad for me that they didn’t like it and I’m finding that very difficult to accept.”

I’d be on your side if he wasn’t wearing a pin that said “Time’s Up”. Don’t wear a pin supporting a cause if you don’t even know what that cause is. And expect to be asked about it.

No waitstaff wants to hear about your idiosyncratic dietary preferences! Just order what you can eat. Don’t make someone play a game of having to pick for you, a waiter doesn’t know all the ingredients of everything, or having to go running back to the chef to ask if pizza can be made with tofu instead of cheese.

I’m 68, so bite me.

Until they have “FRENCH TOAST ALERT FOR EAST COAST” as a headline I wont get excited.

My Babel fish translates all that as “take Thursday and Friday off.”

what the fuck is wrong with you