Sinbad (Steve Harvey)
saladbits
saladbits
It figures that the food pointer was a lawyer. You’d never see a monogrammed thermos salesman pull that shit.
I think we could all use a little weed tonight. Do weed, cheese, Triscuits and Dr. Pepper go together?
That couple was clearly April Ludgate and Andy Dwyer.
The writing on that one is the BEST. I lost it at fleeing the great Fucks Famine of 2015.
Tim Gunn plz take me 2 red lobster.
She wasn’t mine last week.
I am looking to hire cooks and waitstaff for my newest restaurant - Punchie’s This Is How We Serve It.
“So, your table stopped me and asked what kind of fish they had was because they thought you were lying to them; I told them it was cod and they asked why we didn’t have real fish.”
lye. the answer at that point is always lye. and maybe a blender
There’s a lot of that, in here.
And if Jessica Simpson was drunk, who the fuck cares? Let he or she who has never been day drunk cast the first stone.
Your mother-in-law is a legend.
Also, is it just me, that I’d much rather someone think I’m having shower sex with my husband than think he’s pooping a foot away from me while I’m in the shower?
It’s not unlike trying to stuff a marshmallow through a coin slot.
Sometimes you can play through by shifting positions ... and sometimes you have to yell “SAFE WORD oh my god untie me!” and that’s kind of a mood-killer.
Scene- My bedroom, 2 AM, after a bottle and a half of wine.
Players (In a theatre sense, not like, a gross way to say ‘lovers’ or whatever)- My husband and also my me.
We were young, early 20’s, shitty on wine, having laugh sex, where we sort of clumsily bounced around the bedroom, laughing and not totally putting all…
A testicle got stuck in a butthole.
If you managed to get pregnant via anal, you’re doing it too hard.
Really, no tip should be under $5, no matter what the meal originally cost.