I don’t have any friends. Stop making assumptions, dipshit.

Johnson technically is not allowed to retire. He is locked into a two year contract on my fantasy football team and you better believe I will take him to court if he refuses to play.

I teach 4th grade, and one of my kiddos asked if he could do sharing on Friday. He brought in his iPad and started to talk about his favorite singer who had recently died. He played “Let’s Dance” for the class and shared pictures that he found on the internet. It was the sweetest thing ever! Most of the class had no…

“We weren’t hiring a line cook here – we were hiring a head coach of the Philadelphia Eagles...”

What else would he wear on the slippy pitch?

Jaromir Jagr

If you put a gun to my head I would be forced to admit that Marvin Harrison is the best receiver that I ever saw play and perhaps the greatest football player of all time.

Nah, man. We’ll find McCaffrey a Cabinet post.

In 2013 the Spurs has crafted what was essentially a perfect team but ran into Lebron James in the finals, who simply overpowered them with his greatness.

Lots of women have rape fantasies. Please remember that kink shaming is not okay, and neither acting in nor viewing videos simulating rape is an endorsement of actual rape.

He’s like Bo Derek, a perfect 9-1.

It may not be perfect, but at least they are an undefeated 8-1.....

I’m...I’m kidding. I’ve never even talked to a woman.

That’s Mike Ekeler, linebacker coach & card-carrying football nutjob.

Welp. fantasy sports players are requesting selfies with @darrenrovell.

It's not your fault.

It’s straight up insanity. Kid Electron’s classmate started up with an all-star cheer program, and her mom’s been putting pressure on me to sign up Kid as well. It would cost more per month than her school tuition, and that’s not including the mandatory practice uniforms, two performance uniforms and assorted poms…

“Why don’t you put the word ‘did’ in front of it?” he said. “And then a question mark at the end of it.”

Baseball is a relic of a gone-and-forgotten America eulogized only by assholes like Keith Olbermann and George F. Will.

Definitely. It also humanizes rapists in a way that doesn't absolve them, but instead points out that they are not simply a bunch of psychopaths roving the streets at night looking to hurt someone. Instead they are normal guys — friends, roommates, brothers — who are capable of acting this way, which is much more…