Or give them a 3DS and let them play a GOOD game.

The secret to my homemade stuffing is to use a bread that had eggs involved in the batter. I get these Portuguese rolls from this little corner of the supermarket, but challah will also work. If you’ve put some of last year’s turkey stock and fat in the deep freeze, you can make a stovetop dressing that tastes like it…

“The bad guys don’t follow the laws so let’s just not have any laws.”

I will fuck with your Turkey Day and you will learn to like it! ;)

Seriously, I started cooking the feast because I was sick of the standard dry-ass bird and packaged stuffing and potato puree pretending to be mashers. We have more Thanksgiving guests then ever because word gets around that I brine my bird in a very…

I bet you put trashy hot sauce on everything.

Thanksgiving with my family is a potluck. I make the turkey, the gravy, the stuffing (thank you, slow cooker!), and the mashed potatoes. I have the timing down to a science. Other people bring other sides. Someone else deals with setting the table. Someone else washes up. Delegation. It’s a thing.

A good pressure cooker can make beef stew in half an hour. Sear beef, add beef stock, pressurize and cook for 15min. Vent, add spuds, pressurize, cook for 6. Vent, add vegetation, simmer normally for 5. Let cool.

If your beer only tastes good ice-cold, it doesn’t taste good. Numbing your taste buds is not the same as making beer properly.

You think your kids will love the Swan Boats in the Boston Public Garden. You would be wrong. Five minutes in, your kids will be bored as hell. You have 10 minutes left, and no ability to get off early.

If the pointer is moving and NO ONE is touching it, call the fucking Ghostbusters because you’re about to have a problem.

If your social media avatar is a baby, I’m going to assume you are a baby. If it’s a car, I’m going to assume you’re a Transformer.

Ghosting is really only okay if you have reason to believe that a straight-up ending of the relationship will put you in a dangerous situation. Some people do NOT handle rejection well.

• Do you ever clean your oven? I plead the Fifth.
  

I had a package get delivered to someone across the street. I know because their package was delivered to me. So I crossed the street and made the swap.

How in all nine hells did you make mac and cheese in a way that children would turn it down?!

I cook the occasional vegetarian meal. Not out of any real dedication to a cause. But my sister’s vegetarian and I like to have options for her that aren’t salad and frozen veggie burgers. She loves my homemade mac and cheese, and I’ve been debating learning to make cheese ravioli (I make my own marinara... though it…

How to greet a service dog: DON’T. Just DON’T. Working doggo, do not distract. Some are trained to be unfriendly just to make sure they stay on task. You don’t need to say hi to every dog you see.

In the off-chance I’ve forgotten to thaw ground beef, a water thaw will have it safely thawed in an hour. Toss sealed container of iced cow into pot, cover with cold water (weight down), change water every 20 minutes. Since I freeze ‘em flat, they thaw fast.

White people weren’t even the first ones here.

It’s a good thing he can’t get any legislation passed, because every bit of legislation he tries is intended to SCREW OVER everyone who isn’t rich.