Look, y’all don’t have to believe this, but she actually wrote me and thanked me for calling her piece ‘hilarious.’ Everyone processes things differently, and sometimes a humorous tone helps express something difficult.

NYE 1999 belonged to him.

I was something like 13 or 14 when the son of one of my parents friend’s got married. This family was so Catholic and conservative that two of their children became nuns. The son went a very different direction. At his wedding reception, the first dance he and his new bride got down to was Erotic City. A highlight of…

“vicky vale!”
“this town needs an enema...”
“v-v-vicky vale!”
“Baaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaat Maaaaaaaaaaaaaaan!”

NOTHING MATTERS TODAY ONLY PRINCE AND I CAN’T STOP YELLING ABOUT IT!

The Batman soundtrack was amaaaaaaaaaazing.

Back when I was a kid, my friend Ryan had the Batman soundtrack and played it for me, then later I called up the guy on B97 top 40 radio and asked him to play Lemon Crush and he told me that he never heard of that song and laughed at me and hung up. So fuck that guy, Lemon Crush was a great song.

I bind you 2016, bind you from doing harm against others and harm against yourself.

I NEED 2016 TO SIT THE FUCK DOWN

FUCK EVERYTHING

Amateur...

NATIONAL TREASURE 3 HAS BEEN LISTED AS MY FAVORITE MOVIE ON FACEBOOK PREEMPTIVELY FOR ABOUT A DECADE. I WOULD NEVER JOKE ABOUT SUCH A THING.

Like they hate each other's guts but also kind want to bone? That's my vibe.

Literally all of them are like this, except Mike Holmes. Every time I watch this or that annoying couple from California that flip houses I want to scream. Really? You renovated an entire house in two weeks for $50k? Sure.

That’s pretty much the gist of my birthdays. My parents take me out for a fancy family dinner, then it’s drinks later with my sister and a few other best friends, usually at whoever’s place is centrally located because going out has become less appealing as we’ve gotten older. No gifts.

Oh no, not snark!? I’ve mocked and derided Christian victim hood claims but I swear I didn’t realize that they lived a life subjected to snark and snide remarks... I didn’t know! Truly, the poor dears.

Excepting my childhood birthday parties and the surprise party I got for 15, I think I’ve planned all my birthday parties?? If I don’t how will I know it will be good???

In that clip from ET they announced her age and weight and then implied it’s pathetic to plan your own bday party.

It is sort of like Carrie where everyone is pretending to like him but he doesn’t realize it. When the convention rolls around they will cover him in pig’s blood and disown him.

I would like to take this opportunity to introduce you all to one of our greatest cultural treasures, Nihilist Lisa Frank. http://nihilisa-frank.tumblr.com/