Those are all drying as fuck.

Worst excuse:

How Starbucks thought this was gonna go.

Oh, God. I'm from Provo, and State Street in Orem is the fucking WORST. And so, apparently, was your ex.

One of my last semesters in college I had let my roommate talk me into renting an apartment at a really weird apartment complex in Austin called the Metropolis which was painted psychedelic colors and housed a lot of artistic and obviously drug friendly people. I was a middle class kid from a small town and a huge…

I just wanted to share the quilt I made for my boyfriend's cousin. She's pregnant and I'm giving it to her at her baby shower. This is just the top, I had to send it out to be quilted because I couldn't handle it. This is the first quilt I've ever made, and I'm really proud of how it turned out.

Not me, but my daughter became consumed with horses around age 4. She liked to gallop around and neigh, and would not answer to me in public unless I called her by the horse name she chose for herself..."Whitey."

I would steal broccoli at the grocery store. Somehow, baby-me decided it was my favorite food (it's now tied with brussels sprouts, so baby-me knew on which side her brassica was buttered) and as soon as I could lean and reach, I'd wait for my mom to park the cart in the produce section, step away, and if she'd been…

I was a pretty weird kid, but a lot of those stories aren't funny-weird as much as signs of impending emotional disturbances.

My sister said I had the worst kinda bluntness problem. Once in a library (when I was around 3) an elderly man smiled at me. I grabbed my sisters hand and said "Look sis! He's so OLD. Like a thousand years old I bet! Have you ever seen someone SO OLD!?" Apparently he chuckled and kept walking but my sis (who is…

When I was about six I used to smear myself with ketchup and lie on the sidewalk pretending to be dead anytime I saw any vultures flying around. My dastardly plan was to catch one and train it to catch and deliver to me the neighbors cute puppy I so desperately wanted.

I was not the cute kid. My sister was. We have SO MUCH dirt on her. She really was very inventive and adorable.

When I was around 2 or 3 I had started taking swim lessons and we were learning how to go underwater so I wanted to practice at home while I was in the bath. My mom said, "Ok go like this" she puffed out her cheeks "and hold your breath!" I went under the water with my cheeks puffed out, hands over my chest and sucked…

When I was seven, I got a book on how babies are made. It talked about eggs, sperm, fertilization, and prenatal development (but completely left out all mention of sex.) I with my mom at a Korean grocery and stumbled upon the alfafa sprouts at the salad bar. My mom was waiting on line when I gasped shouted clear…

Oh god. I was six or seven when 'Achy Breaky Heart' came out. My grandparents had a camper in a permanent lot on the Ohio River (on the West Virginia side, thank you very much), one of those campgrounds where you leave your camper year-round and can build porches for them if you wish. That summer, the spot next to…

I was a creepy child, as in I was bad at socializing and I knew too many words. Essentially, I was a very small old person who read encyclopedias and watched daytime television. I was also bald (which my mom tried to cover with tiny hats) for the first few years of life to complete the picture.

I refused to go into the the dining room as a small Pickles. I thought it was the dying room, as opposed to the living room. I also drink vinegar out of the bottle until I was 7 or 8 and when I tried vodka for the first time was sad it tasted like alcohol.

I used to do the Butt Parade, as my mom called it. Every time she got a phone call, I'd take off all my clothes and march around the house waving my diaper in the air. What can I say? I like to keep things classy. Also, pants suck

When my dad was driving my brother, his friend and me home from school when I was in kindergarten, his friend was talking about how his class was having a Thanksgiving play. I thought to myself, "I want to be in a Thanksgiving play", so I chimed in that my class was having one too! I said that there were so many…

Around age 7 I was obsessed with Transformers. When my parents bought a Suburban I was convinced it was Optimus. I would lie down in the third row and talk to him. We were going to get married.