First and foremost, Carmel, Indiana, is all about two things: high school basketball and sodomy. If you want either of those things, you'll have to take them from their cold, dead hands, but good luck prying said hands out of their neighbors' asses.

If he would just skate around on one foot like Gumby he would appear much less choppy in videos.

I got my first real job at McDonalds when I was 15

Brandon Marshall Testifies In Williams Trial: "I Think About It Every Night"

@Hatey McLife: The IOC needed to know how the athletes would react if taken hostage by Quebec separatists.

@J-No: Too bad the same can't be said for the Sauk back in ol' 1832.

When Ali returned from 4 years of boxing exile for refusing to serve in Vietnam.

[p]eople who have no interest in me and want me to just sign some things

"He Didn't Seem The Least Bit Interested In Hugging Her Curves"

After I read each of these previews I engage in an indifferent love-making session with Simone de Beauvoir.

@Steve U: +1

You know how a really bad movie won't be screened for critics?

Alexander Ovechkin Loves, Shoves All His Fans

Get out of your own way, Jason, before you run yourself over.

kill the fuck out of me.

Hours after this inappropriate outburst, a confused, visibly shaken William Weld issued a hastily mumbled apology, something to the effect of "sorry, wrong Lyndon."

Miss Elizabeth arrived in the WWF as the manager (with benefits, one assumes) of "Macho Man" Randy Savage

Beckert was substitute number four. The three other athletes were also unreachable.

This Would Never Have Happened If We Still Had Beepers

Great Moments In Tony Kornheiser Being Kind Of A Dick