My metrics indicate that this is about 8.5 inches

Sure, there's one more football game left

The most tragic part of the first story is that the kid never even had the chance to sign a lucrative USC Land Rover endorsement deal.

@BruschisBrewsky: This is the stuff people should be submitting to #tips.

@BruschisBrewsky: Your wife permits you to stay home whilst she does the grocery shopping? That is stimulating.

They're so ugly when they're teething.

Perfect; I'm tired of drinking coffee with my Croissan'which.

X17 claims that these photographs, of a man who is not Tiger Woods sexlessly strolling the gentle paths of Pine Grove . . .

But please, every now and then, just shut the fuck up and tell me a biting and humorous story . . .

Is life without sex really better than life without wins?

Imagine if I were dating Kendall Jenner; this column would be written entirely in heroic couplets.

@Phintastic: As per your game, announced this morning: Karma would be a Westbury parent popping the Yates coach one in the face.

Urban Myer coaches high school basketball?

You give a woman ANY open window, they flee.

I've been completely unable to come up with ANY explanation as to why.

Alex Rodriguez shirtlessly floats on a big boat with a woman who appears to be interested in him romantically.

@Dead Wrestlers Society: "Mom, I said X-Box 360, Goddamnit! This Pac-Man doesn't look anything like the arcade!"

It will not have an "overt" pro-life message

@FEAST: Needs more insect insertion.

You see, giving up a tater to a Mark McGwire is a soul-crushing experience that destroys the spirit and probably makes men impotent.