Though it sounds like a trite catchphrase, it is absolutely true: when women do better, we all do better.

Imagine if they did this for rapists!

Men have terrible eyesight, so if a man seems interested in you, freeze and remain completely immobile until his attention is drawn to someone else. Men compensate for their poor eyesight with a heightened sense of smell, so be sure to wear perfume that allows you to blend into your surroundings. For example, rub…

we’re always safe in the kitchen! rimshot

If you encounter a man in the wild, make yourself appear larger- open your jacket, raise your arms, throw stones, branches, etc., without turning away. Wave raised arms slowly, and speak slowly, firmly, loudly to communicate that you are not prey and may actually be a danger to it.

Wait, that one's for panthers. But…

When my sister moved to Texas, on like day two a six foot rattlesnake showed up on her doorstep and wouldn’t leave. Eventually they called the police, and a bunch of sheriff’s deputies showed up. They took turns trying to beat it with a shovel to no avail. Eventually they shot it in the head, spattering venom all over…

you’re shocked, I know

That comes right after, “Women shouldn’t go to college anyway.”

Just avoid all penises. Especially John Kasich’s.

lol what?

His next advice - Just don’t be a woman.

Women should also avoid spaces where men are likely to be present, because men may strike at any time, especially if provoked. A man who is about to strike will raise himself into an intimidating posture and then shake the rattle on his tail in order to warn away a woman who he sees as a potential target.

“after you have—have had some time to reflect on it all”

Did you see Sam Bee’s piece on how poor women have trouble affording diapers for their kids? And how Republicans think these women shouldn’t be able to pay for diapers with food stamps? And if you can’t afford to buy diapers, you probably should have thought about that before you went and got yourself pregnant, slut?

I would add to your bill an amendment where they would have to make a Cersei Lannister Walk of Shame in their birthday suits with women throwing used tampons and pads at them.

If legislators care SO DAMN MUCH about black and brown babies, they could, you know, address the poverty, lack of educational opportunity, lack of parental leave and affordable childcare options, shitty sex ed and access to contraception and reproductive care, and myriad other factors that actually influence into…

It’s seriously the most nonsensical thing. Like, finally, the one ridiculous case where conservatives are open to a disparate impact analysis.

“Between 40 and 50 percent of all African-American babies are killed before they’re born. A Hispanic child is three times more likely to be aborted than a white child.”

I want to run for Congress, win and draft a bill to make it legal for American citizens to punch these guys in the dick.