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I like your style.

1) Use the coupons for the hottest salsa you can get.

I worked at this one place where one of the owners would get their staff to look after their kids when they went away on vacation. The owners were a couple but the kids were from a previous relationship. The people who had to look after their kids were always ones with cars who didn’t have much of a personal life, so…

I had this pair of asshole brothers come in last night and they tipped me in coupons for free salsa because I had “such a sweet and spicy smile”. Their bill was over $100.

FACTS ARE THE DARKEST SHADE

“Old musician doesn’t get the new stuff, sounds like your dad”

The headlines for Keith should have read “Old musician doesn’t get the new stuff, sounds like your dad” and been shunted onto the back page or hidden at the bottom of the screen. It’s about as shocking as finding out that... I dunno, Stevie Wonder doesn’t have a lot of time for mariachi music or whatever.

a) Joe is clearly a peach, wow.

Well Joe Davis is a... is an... assbutt!

The clerk, Kim Davis of Rowan County, Ky., was ordered detained for contempt of court and later rejected a proposal to allow her deputies to process same-sex marriage licenses that could have prompted her release.

I don’t think I’ve called someone a butt since grade three. That’s right up there with dickweed.

“Tell Judge Bunning he’s a butt.”

Every time he signs something “bo” I momentarily think that the dog wrote it, because I’m silly.