Aww, your grandpa is one cool cat!

Excuse me...that’s Sheriff Powerbottom to you, sir!

This one!!

Microscopic. Probably has ED too.

I am jealous AS FUCK due to your rad dog/house/yard. Not even ashamed to admit it.

Your whole post was fucking delicious and I truly savored all of it. In your murderous gingery honor, I am going to refer to myself as a “sentient freckle with fiery locks” for the rest of my unholy immortality. My theory is the following: ass-freckles are the big-game trophies in our realm because of their rarity and…

I am sufficiently high right now, and your story has made my FUCKING day! Whilst reading your tale, I caught a case of the weed giggles and promptly peed myself. Thank you, friend (and also panty liners).

Aww man, happy birthday! I’ve read your second grody scenario ten times and it gets funnier and grosser EVERY TIME. You have given me a great gift, friend.

Probably. You sound wonderfully gross and I would enjoy your company immensely.

Jesus Christ. I CANNOT deal with barf. If I even so much as hear the tiniest gag noise or get a whiff of bile, you can bet your ass I’m already out of the building. You should’ve vomited on her out of spite!

Omg yes..the gnarly parmesan stench!! My mom told us a story about her popping a boil on my dad’s back and it erupted all over her face. She in turn, throws up on him. This is also a story our family tells constantly to elicit little vomit sounds from her. We are gross, horrible people

Imagine an old school lecture hall...me at the front TOTALLY ripping this prof to shreds (everybody hated him, but it was a req class for art history). He started clapping in a small loge and gave me an A for originality. He still kicked my ass, but that’s a story for a different time.

Jesus, reading Foucault sucks. I had a diva prof who used to blame all of his grad students (us), whilst yelling, “It’s All Your Fault!”

I’m sorry you have to deal with that level of delusional batshit in your fam. Any time you want to visit SoCal, I’ll be sure to drown you in my boomer/xer family who are still the leftiest hippies around. They have excellent wine, cheese, charcuterie, and weed. AND THEY TALK ABOUT FARTS GROSS STUFF.

Pepperidge Farm remembers, my dude.

But, but, but...can we see him taken away with the never-close gauzy hospital gowns?? With the rubber on both sides of his footie socks? Maybe pulling along dark urine bag?

This is some sage advice. If your so called friends are being unsupportive, dump their asses.

You are amazing!! Also, if I’m remembering correctly, your makeup is fuckin’ fierce! Keep on keeping’ on, fair lady!

Eeee!!! This is one of my favorite memories from childhood! Mostly because my Mexican relatives were smacking my dad with a spoon so that he would learn to spread the masa correctly. It was a thing of beauty...all the abuelitas harassing him to death!

Regardless whether you’re alone or not..this seems like exhaustion, drugs, and coerced sexual Contact. Im so sorry.