(I walk on stage at a press conference after another long day at the office)

hmmmm....st. rita?

this guy gets it

goddamn it you’re right

it’s just a picture of legs that cuts to an image of a man standing in a burning house and he has a goat head and his eyes are the black of the void and then it cuts back to an image of legs with paint on them and then it’s the goat headed man and he’s closer to the foreground and I can smell sulfur and then it cuts…

WHERE ARE YOUR GODS NOW TECH-PRIESTS OF SILICON VALLEY?

this is all very high level strategy, tactics, and execution on Cleveland’s part, but what if the cubs have a pajama party or have a bunch of alpacas in the locker room before a game? what then?

i blame video game, the walking dead, etc. used to be a guy would gently lay the ball in the cup, say the pledge of allegiance, and shake hands with the opposing coach before hustling back “on d”. Now Glenn is dead. Rims are bleeding. It is madness, this culture of dunking.

i appreciate when athletes gut it out for their team. i do the same thing at work. like last week when i suffered a compound fracture to my femur as well as a serious head injury while i was trying to roller blade down the stairs. within an hour of the horrific injury i was in a team meeting coughing up blood and…

The American League Central is a random number generator.

Phalldor’s Cream Basket 2: Portal to the Doom Bucket

what a lot of people don’t know is that james carville is actually just the “fruiting body” of a much larger underground organism

nuh uh

good luck, my man. truly.

We are not prepared as a society, as a civilization, as humans for what Cubs fans will become if they win the World Series. We just flat out aren’t ready for that. Nobody talks about this.

that is just a reflection of the 50 foot exhaust stack flames that run all night on the banks of the Cuyahoga

Trump: Actually I am a Dracula who does all sorts of neck bites (kills Anderson cooper, hisses into camera)

ok thank you

media totally ignoring the dangerous spell obviously being cast by the beige boy leaning into the frame

Craziest stat line from the night: