When I become president we will go back to the good days, the burning days, the days of smoke and ash and fire. The days when our fingertips were never more than a few inches from a burning tube of go juice. Gone will be this plastic, antiseptic existence. With a furious bellow screamed from the top of Mt. America…

If I was in charge of a football team I would just line up all my athletes and they’d be naked. Then I’d play the national anthem and raise an American flag. If you don’t get a powerful erection, you don’t make the cut. Simple!

So. That's a rogue Plumlee right? Like. There's no ways that's not mason or miles or mirabald or mumbles Plumlee.

good pants

straight up monkey’s-paw-wish scenario’d him. damn.

i nominate the image used at the top of this article as the “mansplain” emoji. it is perfect. you can almost FEEL the opinions he’s about to unleash with his finger wand.

I mean, yeah, that’s probably true. Nobody is more annoying than the fans of the last team to win a big thing. But honestly, and I’m being serious, what do you expect Cleveland fans to do? Just sort of nod and accept the first major championship in decades without saying anything? Should we also just sit there while…

a very fair point.

It’s not all that tremendously sad here anymore, at least in terms of sports things.

Fucking sell the naming rights to the players already. It’s all revenue baby!

Wall: Sometimes I’ll just walk up to him and show him a picture of my house, which is filled with basketballs. Basketballs I may never ever pass to him.

Hire the “I love you” baseball dad, you dum-dums!

u just copy pasted my online dating profile and changed like three words

what you just eat analog carrots or some shit like a goddamned primitive ape creature living in a crude stone hut?

I walked right into that senior manager’s office, grabbed him by the neck, and performed 1,000 kettle bell swings with his body. I got the job on the spot.

America’s leaders of tomorrow are performing 40 inch box jumps with 500lbs sitting across their backs thanks to this muscular thumb in a polo shirt.

“If this kid doesn’t come out of the womb with an education and some job prospects I’m pushing it back in...”

That reminds me of my dad and how he’d drive his IROC-Z onto the court where I was playing youth basketball and skid that thing real close to me while I was trying to shoot a free throw. If I missed, he’d flick a cigarette at me, peel out, and I wouldn’t see him for months. If I made the shot he’d nod at me…

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my grandmother will finally be proud of me