*Next on Top Chef Canada, White People vs. White People.*

Why is Boys randomly capitalized?

Lik*m*aid pro tip: use one Lik*a*stix for all three pouches. Then you have one pure, unadulterated, white as the driven snow stick to savor. Heaven.

There was a fad when I was in sixth grade. Everyone would bring kool-aid packets to school and eat them basically all day long, mostly at recess. We lick our fingers and dip them in. Dyed fingers and tongues were the tip off of a kool-aid junkie. The unsweetened shit is GROSS. Learned the hard way. I'd put…

I will not confirm or deny that I may have allegedly licked batteries too.

Be careful... when you talk shit about Capri Sun, Capri Sun might talk shit right back.

I'm not going to get into this too much but let me say, I grew up with a parent that was a sexual predator. I was pretty confrontational around things I saw and knew and experienced but there is still something particularly disturbing about living with a sexual offender who offends on the scale as Sandusky that needs…

Ah, Fruit by the Foot and Fruit Roll ups came in quite handy when my geeklets requested I make candy sushi in lieu of cake at last year's birthday party.

You know what works well in a pinch when you've run out of giant Pixie Stix and still want sugar?

The only thing colder than otter pops/fla-vor-ice pops are my cold, dead hands... which is what you will have to pry those pops from.

I fucking LOVED dunkaroos.

There was also an obsession with dunkable snacks which offered no nutrition whatsoever and hooked a generation on cheez and processed sugars for life.

One time in 5th grade, my friends and I got a Capri Sun and it was like, mildly bitter tasting and fermented and we were like OMG BOOZE!!! HEEHEEHEE. And so we stayed in from recess and played a drinking game (I believe it was the alphabet game) to get soooo wasted off of it.

No joke, I'm actually eating a Fruit by the Foot RIGHT NOW. Costco has a giant box of them on sale this month. Edible flypaper? I don't care. It's goddamned delicious.

Icy Pops! They make mango flavored ones now. Delicious! Did you ever get the cuts on the corners of your mouth from the sharp plastic of the Icy Pops? Almost as dangerous as Capt'n Crunch on the roof of your mouth.

Fucking Otter Pops, with their sharp edges. I don't think I ever actually cut myself on one, but they're not comfortable to eat. Serious design flaw there.

If dead onions want to pork porkrinds that is their right, you heteronormative chittlinphobic asshole!

Nailed it. Calling you classist is so two posts ago.