Sick burn, brah

At the grocery store I treat the Red Delicious apples as an ex that I'm desperately trying to avoid. We haven't made eye contact in years.

About the same as it does inside.

The Wii U is a pretty great buy!

It's a golfer, not a pro athlete.

Anyone who mentions a straw man will win their own argument!

I sure did, typing penis.

I like Malbec too much to dump on the country.

They're not rewrites, they're value-added phrasing alternatives.

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"We simply cannot stand for such a blatant display of international crony capitalism."

-Davos, Switzerland

Adam Silver: Dick, we're so happy to have you in the League! And with your basketball experience, it's a perfect fit!

Oh Tim, you're so naive. The Cavs, LeBron's former team, got the 1st pick. The Heat, Lebron's current team, got the 26th pick. 1-26? Do I have to spell it out for you? It's the number of letters in the alphabet. Now, let's break down that word, "alphabet." Al, a popular name. Pha, a phonetic spelling of a…

It's Boston, Tom. There's no need to point out that something is white.

This is absolutely disgusting. I've gone a long time pretending this shit didn't exist, and that was perfectly fine until it started getting thrown in my fucking face. This has gone too far. Now I'm going to have to explain to my children that OWN is an actual TV network.

Master Sterling is what he wishes his players would call him.

mimicking the quarterback's money gesture

You will never see Tweets like this from Flyers fans.

Not sour grapes here, but with a little better puck luck the Bruins may well have had 6 last night. Hit 2 posts and a crossbar, hit Marchand going behind Price (if it doesn't hit him it's a goal), had the puck go through Price in OT and skitter across the goalmouth instead of in. Lucic whiffed on a wide open net,…

Married, father of two kids, very happy, thanks very much! Our wedding was lovely.