Ridiculousness aside, I’ve worked for Verizon retailers and both establishments, with the go-ahead from our Verizon Agents, have been very shady as to what we should tell customers in regards to their bills, pricing, and what to expect from Verizon as a carrier.

Stop right there, scum. As a man who is part man and part robot, but all cop, it is my duty to inform you all that Verizon has left out an important detail with their pricing: they do not include the monthly payment of the phone itself. Newer phones, like the one my metallic fingers are tapping on, cost roughly $35 on…

So, an article about a whole lot of nothing. Sounds about right from you. Earlier events were definitely before the pseudo-professionalism hit, where rampant cursing and things were allowed, but that has changed since at least the past two years of GDQ. As for the MAGA hat ‘controversy’, they were given multiple…

Thank god we have Patricia on the case to cover all our pewdiepie needs! Maybe next we will get an in-depth expose about how he puts on his pants one leg at a time. Or just how many cracks he steps on meaning he hates his mother’s back with a passion. Thank our lucky stars we have this kind of journalism that enriches…

And commenters should be fun to socialize with, citizen. However, I’ve yet to find a time when you weren’t a complete asshole. Does it run in the family, or are you an outlier? See, a bad joke can be fixed, citizen, much like I was when my bullet-riddled form was thrust in this robotic shell. It’s impossible for…

Another case of could you cry any harder

AW, George, you are so salty. You fuck. I love it. Cry harder for us

Greatest line ever waited in, for me, would be for the Halo 3 launch. Had just finished my last class of the day at my university and called a local store to ask if there was a line, which of course there was. I was told it was 40 people long and growing, so I immediately booked it to the store... Where there were…

Fighting crime is getting easier than ever, citizens. Now when someone is under duress all I have to say is, "Ma’am, you have experienced severe emotional shock. I will notify a local pokemon gym."

My epilepsy doesn’t allow me to play one of my favorite 4x franchises, Sins of a Solar Empire. So, I play something else - still don’t understand what triggers my attacks with that game. But I don’t feel alienated. Don’t feel discouraged. I just cannot play that game, at all.

Not even remotely interested in getting this, citizen.

It’s ‘Titanfall | 2' citizen. The divider is as important as serving the public trust, but I don't trust it.

Doom, citizen. I start each encounter by saying things like ‘your move creep’ or ‘dead or alive, you’re coming with me’, so none can say I didn’t give my foes a chance.

Are they making all the playable space Bungie said we’d have at one of their E3 presentations, citizen, or is the team going with what we actually got?

A troll, citizen? My robo-brain happens to operate at a higher rate than regular brains. It’s a plus side of being viciously murdered while defending the rights of Detroit citizens all across the vast everywheres of Detroit.

It is my genuine feeling you are lying. Survivors don’t wish for the torment they go through to be inflicted upon others, likewise when people say ‘I don’t normally...’ means this is likely how they react every singe time. However, you say it, as you’re afraid of being judged, and rightly so, for being the person you…

L Blocktober, citizen

Nothing gets my gears and rotors going like a neat and orderly game of Tetris. Watching the blocks fall cleanly into place is like filing a full day’s worth of arrest paperwork in correct order and up to the department’s standards.

You don’t agree with the content of this sketch because it isn’t how you see comedy, citizen? You must have a narrow viewpoint regarding the rest of the world, if these comments are any indication.

This makes my scales of justice rigid. And throbbing. For crime prevention.