You get mauled! And you get mauled!  And YOU get mauled!

With Christian Bale, Viggo Mortensen, and Jared Leto for the wacky sketch segments.

"And why the FUCK are you wasting my two precious hours with your movie? I don't have any use for it! I don't have any bloody use for it!"

Inside of you Videodrome-style?

Nah, we need a real laugh-riot character. Someone not afraid to be a goofball. I'm thinking Jeremy Irons or Ralph Fiennes.

The AV Club stole the phrase "a mesmerizingly bizarre feast for the senses" from my business card.

Who will those crappy caricature artists in Times Sq. use as their demonstration piece now? 
Kids will walk by and say "who the hell is that giant chin with eyes supposed to be?"

I would pay good Pesos or Euros to watch toreadors battle an arena of vicious shin-high bulls.

Nah it wasn't Destiny, I think it was her child.

I once got stuck in a fridge during a nuclear test explosion.

I also demand a full subplot for Roger Ashton-Griffith's P.T. Barnum

His corrupt cop lackey = still John C Reilly, but in full Dr. Steve Brule character.

"I had been snark-free for 7 weeks, and…and then I slipped" [sniff]

Home-schooled?

I've labelled my grill press "K-19: THE WAFFLEMAKER"

Incidentally, if you don't un-rot13 that, it's a transcript of the rant the creepy old drunk delivered on my subway train this morning.

Why are your Webbys on the back shelf different heights? Do they vary over the years, or do the trophies un-spring with age?

Be scientific, douchebag!

Thank you for shopping at the Continuum Emporiuum:

I think this one was faxed in. 
From a hotel near an exotic beach where the writer is vacationing. 
By the housekeeper. 
Who got her 9-year-old to write it to keep him busy on bring-your-kid-to-menial-labor-day.