I went to lunch with a coworker whose husband was a “Garage Queen” C5 owner, and she mentioned it had never seen rain. I uncontrollably snorted in laughter the instant she said it. I almost still feel bad about it, but I don’t, because the car is fucking aluminum and fiberglass. 

He’s 3/5ths the outfielder that Brett Gardner is!

Always worth mentioning that “classless” == “ni**er” with these types.

For those who don’t speak Hashtag:

Don fucking Cherry needs to learn how to don fucking clothing.

I got wasted during the day and then slept through the game. I then also missed work today but that’s ok because it’s the biggest snow storm in Seattle in like 20 years, so everyone missed work.

This whole ‘not answering his phone’ thing has to be made up. So what if the GM doesn’t answer his phone, there is an Assistant GM and lots of other front office folks he could have spoken with. Did they also not answer their phones? Were they not available too? It’s not like Magic Johnson made Demps’ aides disappear.

I self-tampererd last night. I’m not proud of it, but it was about 12:45 and I wasn’t tired enough to sleep yet, so what are you gonna do?

I know from experience that people really undersell the non-lethal utility of a gun (or “projectile velocitor,” as I call them). I’ve used a handvelocitor to turn off my TV when I can’t find the remote, to pick apples without getting a ladder, to point at things on the chalkboard without leaving my desk, to hammer…

As a poor person, I am disturbed by the prospect that, should I become rich sometime in the future, I may lose 70 percent of that wealth, and thereby become merely well-off.

In other news, Progressive is now dunking on Chevy’s shitty “Real People” commercials:

Soft Cox Leads to Eventual Score With Help From Film

This is far better than that “Win a National Championship Get Free Big Macs” promo.

Think he got that hernia from pulling them bootstraps too hard?

Tim must be excited for the chance to break a hyphen.

*Aaron Hernandez convicted of murder*

Ugh, the grays are gonna be all, “The Civil War was really about the salary cap...”

Nothing has changed. 

Indiana may have been a union state but they were the state no one else talked to because they were and are racist as fuck, dumber than a bag of hammers and their mother dressed them funny.

“That’s the first time he’s done that this year.”