Great story. Now tell us about how you became a Cowboys and Lakers fan. 

Picturing a gang of 350-lb O-line men repeatedly throwing a limp body with a football duct taped to it up against a wall of defenders has sent me into a now 3 minute long bout of chuckles.

I’m an above average 6'2 180 pound 29 year old male. If I was put in as a running back on 1st and goal from the 1 and given the ball (up to) four straight times

Washington, Denver, and Jacksonville, among others, could all be in the market for him as a starter.

Let the dissection of the 10 seconds of footage commence.

The Chiefs don’t need Mahomes, they need an exorcist.

Next thing you know, they’ll be complaining about the PEDs we’re feeding them.

Shame on Dora.

Next time they play, the entire Licking team should come out dressed like this:

Rick Luna: *bursts through door* There’s nothing in the rule book that says a triplet can’t take a free throw for their sibling!
Athletic Director: For the last time Rick, yes there is.
Luna: *Leaves Dejected*

Bullshit.  Even my 12 year old nephew knows that’s not how you make babies.

OK, this looks really bad, but he’s probably alright.

Super Dave Osborne tragically killed playing piano on a flatbed truck passing a low bridge.

No, you do not look like Ariana Grande

Look familiar?

Person Participates in Sport Centered Around Beating the Shit Out of Someone, Sustains Major Injury

You said a lot of smart/funny things in this piece, but you also said “ham is mostly terrible” so I think that means we’re enemies.

“...so if Mack is guilty, the argument runs, then Scientology must be, too.”

I hear Character Actress Margo Martindale has been committing various felonies the past few years.

Except with more S symbols branded in women’s pubic regions. It means “hope”.